Brunch Gone Wild(e) [closed]

[eliotwaugh]

Well, his magic is still a little iffy sometimes, and he still doesn't know how/if he'll get home, and he really only has two friends so far, but god damn it, his apartment is an overdone neo-victorian salon set up, and he can have a fucking party again. This is so important.

Eliot's on his second Bellini when Sunshine arrives, early as agreed, with muffins as promised. He gives her a kiss on each cheek with a flamboyance usually reserved for Janet (Sunshine is sort of his replacement Janet, he guesses, and so far she doesn't want to sleep with him, which is kind of a step up), takes the bag and trades her a cocktail. She has catching up to do.

Sunshine is great in the kitchen, no surprises there, and she gets tipsy really quick, and she is adorable tipsy. This is gonna be great. Eliot feels good. For the first time in... kind of a while.

He's just checking the time on his phone when the buzzer goes, so he gives Sunshine reign of the omelettes for a moment while he goes to buzz Johnny in, then waits at the door, feeling maybe a little nervous. But only a little.

Comments

[rae_of_sun]

Sunshine pulls a face. Okay, so 'Spike' isn't the self-styled moniker she would have chosen (semi-evidently), but that doesn't mean these two have earned mocking privileges. "I'd say it wins out over fucking 'Wolverine,'" she says, skirting the edge of resumed annoyance. Which, combined with her current state of inebriation, makes her just cranky enough to brazenly add, "He's got vampire healing powers. And I have a counter-affinity for vampires. He," she unnecessarily clarifies after a sip of her bellini, "is a frigging vampire." Yeah. So there. "So he can call himself pretty much whatever the hell he wants."

[johnny_truant]

"I think we're full up on X-Men types here," says Johnny just as vampire happens. He turns to look at Sunshine, eyebrows raised, though really, he's the one who just dropped 'dating an archangel' on everyone, so he has no room to question. He recovers in a moment, refocusing on his drink, then turning to orient himself more towards Sunshine and inadvertantly flopping back against the curve of Eliot's body, curled up under his arm.

"Vampire, huh?" he says, nodding as if to say 'I respect that'. "Hot."

[eliotwaugh]

For a while Eliot just stares at Sunshine in disbelief, his glass halfway to his mouth. No way. No fucking way. He can't even appreciate how floppy and snuggly Johnny's being because, no, no, this is too much, this is amazing and hilarious and impossible all wrapped into one.

So it is with something of a manic gleam in his eye that he asks, when he finally regains the ability to speak, "Does he happen to be, say, English, with hair so bleached it should be a felony?"

[rae_of_sun]

Thank you, Johnny, he totally is. Sunshine lifts her glass in acknowledgment, then arches an eyebrow at Eliot. Oh. They've met, apparently, and she gives a resigned little nod. "And he keeps it..." she makes an illustrative gesture over her own hair, "friggin plastered back even though it is approximately five billion percent cuter when it's all loose and curly. Such a shame." She regards Eliot's altogether too gleeful expression for a moment, then says, "I take it you've met."

[johnny_truant]

Oh boy. Johnny grins in anticipation, settling in comfortably and sipping his drink. Listening to people talk shit about someone else's mythological boycreaturefriend is totally an after-school activity he can be signed up for.

"Go on," he prompts Eliot without turning, nudging him gently.

Canon puncture in 3...2..

[eliotwaugh]

Eliot laughs, an unintentional giddy nervous sound, the sound you make when you are about to bring someone's view of the world crashing down upon them in the best way possible. He doesn't want to be mean to Sunshine, not in the slightest, but he's also not going to not enjoy the telling of this tale.

"Aha," he begins, "Well, I think we actually did meet in the weird mythological animal dream but the thing is," Shit, how does he even say this. He takes a long sip of his cocktail. "Okay the thing is, don't flip out on me here, but if we are talking about the same guy here, in my universe he was a um...a character? On a tv show. About vampires." Is that gentle enough? Eliot does not even know anymore, the absurdity of this situation has reached new heights.

He turns to Johnny for support. "Did you have that in your universe? You ever watch Buffy?"

...1.

[rae_of_sun]

Sunshine favors Eliot with a narrow-eyed look as he explains himself, trying to gauge whether this is legit or if he's just bullshitting her in a truly spectacular and creative fashion. What are the odds that he could be telling the truth? She's pretty sure she's yet to run into any fictional characters since her arrival. Gods, where does that road even end? Are they all just an implausible collection of refugees from television shows and books and movies and shit? Fuuuuuck that. As if anyone would read a book about her life, anyway.

"Get out," she says decisively, though she's already groping for her phone just in case she needs to do some confirm-or-deny texting.

[johnny_truant]

"I... What?" Well, this is not where Johnny expected this to go. He twists his neck to peer up at Eliot in confusion, and then he looks at Sunshine.

"I don't know, uh, maybe," he says. "I guess that sounds familiar. I didn't really watch a lotta TV."

He doesn't have anything more to offer really, he just lets his eyes drift back and forth between them, like waiting for a match to start.

[eliotwaugh]

"I swear I am not making this up," says Eliot, reading Sunshine's extremely dubious look for what it is. "Like, okay, he started out as like ooh scary badass villain in season what, two? And then he just sorta stuck around and was a semi comic relief antihero tough guy, like, oh man, what can I remember." It takes a minute for Eliot to sort through the mental file of 'old things he watched in high school and trivia facts about a character who, let's be honest, he had a little bit of a crush on.'

"Okay his real name is William, he likes poetry, like a dweeb, used to have a chip in his head that made it so he couldn't hurt people but then that...stopped happening, I don't know, lots of weird stuff happened in that show." And Johnny isn't really helping, good god what kind of sad excuse for a cultural education did Johnny have? First he doesn't know about brunch and now this. Eliot is going to have to have some sort of Netflix marathon with him.

He catches sight of Sunshine reaching for her phone, and his eyes light up. "Oh please tell me you have a picture of him in there, this is too fucking much."

[rae_of_sun]

Her eyebrows shoot right up at 'William,' because that's both true and not the sort of thing Spike would share in casual conversation with other rifties (or anyone; it's not even something she would know if his spirit dog thing hadn't spilled the metaphorical beans). The head chip and poetry appreciation is news to her, though, and she lets out an incredulous guffaw and sets down her drink. She is gonna need both hands for the texts she is about to send.

But pictures, first. She has a few on her phone, some of which are actually pretty nice, but hell if she isn't going to show off an embarrassing one. "Okay," she says as she thumbs through her gallery, "so he's kind of passed out drunk on top of his employer in this one, and I would totally expand on that if there was any more to it than just Spike and Aziraphale getting shitfaced together and crashing my apartment, but..." She pulls up one of the better pictures of the two all cuddled up on Spike's bed, then shows it to Eliot and Johnny with a little is-this-your-card flourish and an anticipatory grin.

[johnny_truant]

'Aziraphale' again. Gabe's mentioned him a couple times now, some angel from another universe. He leans forward, moderately curious to see what he looks like, and from what he can see, he's exactly as nerdy and unexpected as Gabe has implied. The picture is pretty hilarious, and he giggles drunkenly before flopping back against Eliot.

"Is that the guy?" he asks, curiousity currently overruling his general bewilderment.

[eliotwaugh]

It takes Eliot a minute to even register what he's seeing, because it simply unbelievable, confirmed proof that a person who is definitely fictional exists, in the real world, like all the rest of them. And yet Eliot can believe the picture, because this sort of ridiculous scene seems like exactly the type of thing Spike would get up to.

"Oh my fucking god," he breathes, in drunken wonder. "That is totally him." He half reaches out to the phone, as if touching it would make this fantastic illusion real, and he can't quite take that step yet. "Oh shit, I've met that other guy!" Eliot laughs a little as he realizes this. "I met him in the library, he was stealing old books or something and talking about Oscar Wilde, shit, what a nerd. But seriously though I cannot believe you're dating Spike the vampire like, oh man, what's he like?"

[rae_of_sun]

Sunshine cracks up, both at Eliot's reaction to Spike and his account of Aziraphale. Yeah, that sounds like the angel. Gods, stealing from a library, though, they're going to have to have a talk. But later. Because right now, hilarious revelations about her boyfriend are happening.

"Well, he's barely a vampire," she says with an unlikely but expertly-done blend of fondness and derision. "But. But. He's a pretty good boyfriend." She pulls her phone back and smiles at the photo for a moment before dismissing it. "Hang on, I gotta text him about this, because this is insane." She giggles to herself as she composes what will probably be the first of many missives to Spike.

[eliotwaugh]

Eliot snorts into his drink. "Barely, yeah I can see that. He always did seem to be a big softie under that 'ooh I'm so punk'...thing--oh my god yes text him, ask him if he's Buffy Spike or Angel Spike, like I don't even know what season he'd be from."

He is maybe way too excited about this development, but seriously how often does this kind of situation come up in your life? He would clap giddily in encouragement of drunk texting (drunk texting: always the right thing to do!) but that would mean putting down his glass, and that's so not going to happen.

[rae_of_sun]

"Wait wait wait," Sunshine slurs as she laboriously attempts to text properly. Autocorrect has done her a few favors so far, but she doesn't trust it entirely. "What's the Angel thing about? Oh, gods." She slumps back against the couch and gives Eliot the most serious look she can muster. "You have to tell me everything. Wait! No. Yes. All the things. Starting with the Angel thing."

[johnny_truant]

Oooooookay.

By now Johnny has shrunk somewhat, pulling away from Eliot and pressing deeper into the back of the couch like he thinks he can phase through it. Something ridiculous, or incredible, or horrifying - all three? - is happening here, and he has nothing to do with it, which is pretty much fine by him. For now he just pulls his legs together and rests his hands on his knees, looking a bit like an obedient schoolboy, and watching them as he might a tennis match.

[eliotwaugh]

He slumps back against the couch, exhaling shaky with laughter. "Oh man, hah, okay, where to fucking begin? Like they did a spinoff show about Angel, who ugh what a fucking Neanderthal forehead, I don't know how anyone would want to get on that, but there's just no accounting for taste."

Eliot pauses a moment, self-conscious of his little personal rant. Technically that's part of the Angel thing but probably not what Sunshine was asking. "Shit I'm sorry," he says with a smile. "Fuckin, I can't start with the Angel thing it came after, let me see if I can remember how it goes, like," He clears his throat, and attempts to say with a straight face:

"Into each generation a slayer is born, she alone will have the...whatever, the strength to fight the vampires and the demons and the mayor who turned into a giant snake and ate their principal, it was like wacky high school dramedy like 'oh no I have this mystical destiny burden and I gotta worry about algebra?' Totally tropey magical girl stuff but I mean, it was funny shit, they made it work.

"So like, back in Ye Olde Englande in olden times or whatever there were some vampires, and one of them was frowny mc forehead and the other one was...what's her face, husky whispervoice vampire and they like turned this dweebus milquetoast William into a vampire and it was crazy and there were explosions and ponytails, and then in the 90s he showed up in Sunnydale all Sex Pistols and shit with the, with the hair," Eliot makes a vague wiggly-fingered gesture intended to represent truly awful dye job.

"You know the hair, and he had a crazy girlfriend who liked dolls and like, like he started out as this pretty badass villain and he ended up as more of a sidekick, kind of like, the guy they bring to punch demons in the face and shit, and, okay I didn't really watch Angel because ugh what a bland sad sack but like he was a vampire who got his soul put back so he's all angsty and tortured like 'oh the burden I bear is so heavy I have to use my powers for good,' and Spike showed up at some point? And I remember seeing part of an episode on TV and there was a puppet."

[rae_of_sun]

Sunshine boomerangs between attempting to text and listening with increasing amusement and bafflement to Eliot's rundown of this show - shows? - that Spike was apparently on. A lot of it is nonsense, but just enough of it makes sense for her to start to believe this actually happened (not that Spike's being very cooperative on his end of the conversation).

"So hang on," she says, having just a little bit of trouble following all this for so, so many reasons, "who's Buffy? The magical girl? Is Buffy a person's name? Because it sounds like something you'd name your frigging... bearded collie or something."

[eliotwaugh]

Eliot raises an eyebrow. "I mean yeah, it was a different time, people named their kids shitty things, but also, yes, Sunshine, that was her name." Because she's really one to talk on the crazy name front, but that is not the point here. Eliot's trying to retain his grasp of what the point actually is. Buffy. Right. Oh shit.

"Soooooooo," says Eliot, with all the drawn-out hesitation of someone who is not certain whether he should be saying what he is going to say and also not certain the person he's saying the thing to is going to start throwing shit at him or not, "So Buffy, uh, yeah she and Spike had a thing for a while, and it got weird."

Eliot takes a moment to debate with himself whether he really wants to continue in this vein, but Sunshine is his friend and friends tell friends potentially deal-breaking information about their boyfriends, right? Right.

He turns to Sunshine and looks at her with the utmost seriousness. "This is important dating information, has he built you a shrine yet? Has he taken any of your sweaters? Also I hope there is not a robot that looks and sort of acts like you walking around because if there is he might like, keep it and play house with it. Because that's what happened. With the Buffybot. 'Cause there was this robot, I forget who made the Buffy robot but Spike ended up with it? Freaky shit, man."

[johnny_truant]

[rae_of_sun]

Sunshine gapes at Eliot. Oh, gods, this is taking a turn. Ye olde Englande and ponytails are hilarious, but shrines and freaking sex robots? Nooo, thank you. She fires off an increasingly frustrated series of texts, then gives Eliot her undivided attention for a moment.

"Are you shitting me?" she asks, eyebrows raised. "He seriously built a shrine and fucked a carthaginian robot?" Her horror sits for a moment, like a boulder on the edge of a cliff… then, with inexorable grace, it topples over said metaphorical cliff and slides down into the--the pond (or whatever) of drunken hilarity. "Are you shitting me?!" she asks again, cackling. Then her phone buzzes. She squints at it, then holds it aloft as if it's an announcement that she's won the frigging nobel prize. "He wants to come over!"

[eliotwaugh]

"YES," says Eliot, almost before Sunshine's finished talking, because this is amazing and robot fucking aside there is no way this day could have gotten any better. "Oh my god this is a train wreck, I want to meet him in person, please tell him to come over, we've got booze and muffins!" For a minute the possibility of seeing real live Spike in his own home is too much for Eliot, and he turns away, gasping helpless giggles into Johnny's shoulder.

A sudden thought occurs to him and he snorts, and tries to sit up. "Oh fuck I just remembered," he begins, one hand over his stomach, wow he's getting an ab workout today, who would have thought? "There was, there was this one episode, and everyone lost their memories and he thought his name was Randy!"

[rae_of_sun]

Sunshine texts Spike the address, and this point she's giggling with about as much regularity as she's breathing. Hopefully he gets here quick, because if he's here, she'll be able to tell from his shadows if any of this nonsense is true or not. Also, he'll be here! That's exciting. All this talking about him has made her miss his face.

"I told him we have booze," she says, because that's the only part of the booze-and-muffins duo that she expects him to be all that interested in. She cackles appreciatively at 'Randy' - better text him about that, too - then leans her head back against the couch. Wow. Wow.

This has been a hell of a brunch.

Her phone buzzes again, and she tips her head back up to read it. "Awww, look, he called me 'pet.' Isn't he cute? I mean, sexbots and clothing theft aside." She snorts out another laugh, then asks, "Wait, why'd he think his name was Randy?"

Eliot's grasp on tv trivia grows shaky and starts slurring its speech

[eliotwaugh]

Eliot puts a hand over his face and just keeps it there for a while. "Oh my god I don't even know, I think it was, he wound up with somebody else's coat, it was Giles! Man, Giles was great. And he had his initials in it and like, memory loss, and I guess they decided he looked like a Randy?"

He has to admit that Sunshine is taking this news remarkably well, though who's to say how she'll feel once she's not heinously intoxicated and giggling.

"I might need some water," Eliot admits shamefully, "if I'm gonna be able to appreciate whatever happens when he gets here." He looks back and forth at his guests, and gives Johnny a smooch on the cheek since he looks so lost and bewildered by all of this. "Anyone else want water? You good?"

[johnny_truant]

Johnny perks up a little at the sweet but slightly sloppy kiss. This has been a wild and crazy adventure and he's enjoyed it at a safe distance, but it is nice to be acknowledged again. "Uh, yeah, water sounds good," he says, and reaches out to set his emptied glass on the table, slowly, like it's a stick of dynamite.

"So, uh," he says, but there's really nothing he can contribute at this point. He ends up just letting out a puff of air and throwing up his hands, flopping over onto the arm of the sofa, sprawling out. "Yeah I got nothing. This is some fuckin'... Twilight Zone shit."