Seth (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
powerdealer) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
bigapplesauce2014-11-19 02:08 am
powerdealer) wrote in bigapplesauce2014-11-19 02:08 am
[closed] I guess I just brushed through your mind more gently than I intended to
Seth has had a pretty uneventful few days since he last spoke to Daniel, if you don't count getting pretty intensely rained on yesterday (which had sucked, but at least the city isn't exactly cold these days), and thinking for a moment he'd met someone from his home universe before that. That had admittedly been pretty weird, even if it had become evident more or less immediately that Eliot was not Curtis. Still, minor occurrences in pretty slow days, really. Days which have largely been spent mulling about his life.
Meeting not-Curtis had been a rather painful reminder of his home universe, and of London. He doesn't think much about it these days, so when it crosses his mind, he's always surprised by how much he misses it. He misses Manchester too, but at least he'd left that voluntarily, moving towards something rather than just being ripped away, and he'd always had the opportunity to go back there if he wanted. Sure, he'd been ready to leave London behind too, but it was for something, going to stay with Kelly, and then he'd been unceremoniously dumped in Manhattan - not just on the other side of the world, but in a completely different universe with no way back. Ripped away from the person he cared about, just like Shannon had been unfairly ripped away from him before that.
But even so, he's been trying instead to focus on building something worth missing here - although he's not particularly good at that, keeping most people at arm's length, and doing a damn good job at sabotaging himself. He hasn't done what Johnny suggested, and actually talked to Gabe about help with his drug problem, and he doesn't intend to. It's just that a lot of the time there doesn't seem to be much point building something. He had tried to do that when he first arrived too, once he got over the whole 'what the actual fuck' of the situation. He'd made friends. Forged some alliances. And then that had been ripped away from him too, and he had spent the next almost four months locked in a cell with various degrees of abuse done to him. A hundred and sixteen days. It's been several weeks now since the point where he'd been free for a longer time than he spent locked up, so you would think maybe the nightmares would stop and he could start to get over it, instead of feeling like complete shit every time it's brought up, particularly when he's sober. No wonder he's hesitant to open himself up. And perhaps part of it is just that he considers himself so much of a mess these days that he wouldn't wish himself on most people, and those he would are generally not people he likes to be around. So in the months that have passed, you could easily count the number of friends he's made on one hand. Pathetic, really.
Still. He's trying. He has been working on building up the courage to take Johnny's other advice, and actually talk to Daniel about how he feels about guys and dating and all of that. Now that Seth has finally started admitting to himself that he's actually attracted to him (not to mention that he sometimes likes guys in general), he's trying to figure out what to do about it, and how to find out if Daniel would be even remotely interested in that sort of thing. You know, actually try to build something. Despite the fact that neither of his two significant romantic relationships so far had actually been initiated by him, and that he actually resisted them for a while, out of a desire to protect himself from getting hurt. So this is... different. He's slowly working towards actually putting himself out there, actually showing his interest. The dream he had yesterday had kind of helped give him a nudge too, and it had been a remarkably vivid dream for just a regular non-shared one. He'd been disappointed when it ended, and it had brought into almost painful clarity what it is he wants. He's been unable to really put it out of his mind, so he finally figured he actually has to do something about the whole situation.
To that end, he's arranged to meet up with Daniel near the park to hang out. Daniel seems to love seeing new parts of the city, so Seth wants to show him the lovely Conservatory gardens, and have a bit of a picnic. Well, sort of. There's no picnic basket or checkered blanket or anything, but he did bring some sandwiches (bought, not homemade - he wants to make sure they're actually good), and also stopped by a coffee shop. Nice and pleasant setting, even kind of romantic (though he tries not to think too hard about that), perfect for just a relaxed conversation. He's only hoping the weather holds up.
Right now he's heading towards the rather plain corner of 5th avenue and 106th street, which is where he asked Daniel to meet up. He's not even noticing how people's eyes seem to slip right over him, considering that's usually his actual goal, trying to be as unassuming and unnoticable as possible. Comes from quite a few years of dealing drugs, and then spending months being on the run from secret (literally) underground organisations out to get him - you don't really want to draw attention.
Meeting not-Curtis had been a rather painful reminder of his home universe, and of London. He doesn't think much about it these days, so when it crosses his mind, he's always surprised by how much he misses it. He misses Manchester too, but at least he'd left that voluntarily, moving towards something rather than just being ripped away, and he'd always had the opportunity to go back there if he wanted. Sure, he'd been ready to leave London behind too, but it was for something, going to stay with Kelly, and then he'd been unceremoniously dumped in Manhattan - not just on the other side of the world, but in a completely different universe with no way back. Ripped away from the person he cared about, just like Shannon had been unfairly ripped away from him before that.
But even so, he's been trying instead to focus on building something worth missing here - although he's not particularly good at that, keeping most people at arm's length, and doing a damn good job at sabotaging himself. He hasn't done what Johnny suggested, and actually talked to Gabe about help with his drug problem, and he doesn't intend to. It's just that a lot of the time there doesn't seem to be much point building something. He had tried to do that when he first arrived too, once he got over the whole 'what the actual fuck' of the situation. He'd made friends. Forged some alliances. And then that had been ripped away from him too, and he had spent the next almost four months locked in a cell with various degrees of abuse done to him. A hundred and sixteen days. It's been several weeks now since the point where he'd been free for a longer time than he spent locked up, so you would think maybe the nightmares would stop and he could start to get over it, instead of feeling like complete shit every time it's brought up, particularly when he's sober. No wonder he's hesitant to open himself up. And perhaps part of it is just that he considers himself so much of a mess these days that he wouldn't wish himself on most people, and those he would are generally not people he likes to be around. So in the months that have passed, you could easily count the number of friends he's made on one hand. Pathetic, really.
Still. He's trying. He has been working on building up the courage to take Johnny's other advice, and actually talk to Daniel about how he feels about guys and dating and all of that. Now that Seth has finally started admitting to himself that he's actually attracted to him (not to mention that he sometimes likes guys in general), he's trying to figure out what to do about it, and how to find out if Daniel would be even remotely interested in that sort of thing. You know, actually try to build something. Despite the fact that neither of his two significant romantic relationships so far had actually been initiated by him, and that he actually resisted them for a while, out of a desire to protect himself from getting hurt. So this is... different. He's slowly working towards actually putting himself out there, actually showing his interest. The dream he had yesterday had kind of helped give him a nudge too, and it had been a remarkably vivid dream for just a regular non-shared one. He'd been disappointed when it ended, and it had brought into almost painful clarity what it is he wants. He's been unable to really put it out of his mind, so he finally figured he actually has to do something about the whole situation.
To that end, he's arranged to meet up with Daniel near the park to hang out. Daniel seems to love seeing new parts of the city, so Seth wants to show him the lovely Conservatory gardens, and have a bit of a picnic. Well, sort of. There's no picnic basket or checkered blanket or anything, but he did bring some sandwiches (bought, not homemade - he wants to make sure they're actually good), and also stopped by a coffee shop. Nice and pleasant setting, even kind of romantic (though he tries not to think too hard about that), perfect for just a relaxed conversation. He's only hoping the weather holds up.
Right now he's heading towards the rather plain corner of 5th avenue and 106th street, which is where he asked Daniel to meet up. He's not even noticing how people's eyes seem to slip right over him, considering that's usually his actual goal, trying to be as unassuming and unnoticable as possible. Comes from quite a few years of dealing drugs, and then spending months being on the run from secret (literally) underground organisations out to get him - you don't really want to draw attention.
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"Seth," he calls it, sharper. "Seth, I don't know if you can still hear me. I don't know if it works both ways. But I'm - I'm going to try and reverse it. Whatever it is that's going on, I'm going to stop it, I promise. Okay?"
He waits a moment and gets no response. Or maybe he does, and he just can't hear it. The thought leaves a bitter clenching in his chest. He swallows past it.
"I'm sorry," he says again, however relevant the apology may or may not be. "I'm sorry."
If he were in his old universe there would be dozens of texts of reference he could pull out right now with helpful phrases like phase displacement, dimensional shift, and selective visualization. The options are varied and manifold and Daniel has no idea what any of them mean here. It's probably the Rift - no, it's definitely the Rift, strange things always are unless they happen to be the more conventional strange things that have become the constants in Daniel's life.
After one last, hopeless look Daniel sets off back to his apartment. He doesn't even try to ignore the awful guilt solidifying in his gut. He doesn't know what this is, doesn't even know where to begin, but he'll fix it. Whatever it is, he'll fix it. He'll reverse it. He'll fix it.
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He slowly steps over towards the other gate, the one they came in through, and looks around. No sight of him. Daniel's gone.
Where did he go? More importantly, why did he go?
Actually, that's not that difficult to answer. For one thing, Seth had told him to shut up. Repeatedly, he's pretty sure, though he's not certain just how many times. For all he knows at this point, he could've screamed it at him. And then he had walked off, practically stormed off from Daniel's point of view, probably.
He had been sending out some pretty intense signals that he wanted to be left alone. And at that specific time, he had wanted to be. But now that he's a bit more conscious of the world around him, he's suddenly feeling terribly abandoned.
And... and there is just the slight niggling fear. The worry that Daniel hadn't actually left out of concern or respect for Seth's wishes, but because... Well. Seth's trying very hard not to think about that right now. Not entirely succeeding. At the moment, it is very difficult to simply ignore any worries that decides to spring into his mind. Swarming around his head like gnats.
He'll go and apologise. Part of him still wants to be left alone, but he also thinks company might do him good after that, and much more importantly, he needs to make sure that Daniel isn't upset with him. That this is just.. this is just Daniel taking Seth's wishes too seriously, wanting to give him space but giving a bit too much.
And so he eventually manages to hail a cab (no way in hell he's taking the subway right now), which is somehow unbelievably difficult today. They just keep ignoring him, driving straight past. He finally manages to get one when he takes over one that someone's leaving, and apparently the guy is hard of hearing or something, because Seth practically has to shout the address. At least the driver doesn't want to chat, and he's finally on his way to the rebel apartments.
Slowly, and through way too much traffic, which is doing absolutely nothing for his nerves, but he gets there in the end. Although he does send Daniel several texts on the way, typed out very slowly and deliberately, even if he gets no reply to any of them. Again - doing nothing for his nerves. He feels kind of neurotic for peppering Daniel with these, keeps regretting it every time he sends one, berating himself for acting needy, and then before he knows it he's sent another. He only barely manages to stop himself sending the one that just says 'Are you mad?'
And then when he gets out of the cab, he just stands there, on the other side of the street, staring up at the building for a good two or three minutes. This had been so much easier when he was just letting Peter into his apartment. In and out, no sweat. No worries. Well, some worries, but at the time he had been in a stable enough mindset to cope with it, do what needed to be done. Now it's...
It's really fucking hard. But he's made it this far, so eventually he takes a deep breath, hunches his shoulders, crosses the street and heads inside. He passes two people, but neither seems to take any notice of him at all, which suits him just fine, and he makes his way to what was formerly Lucy's apart. Then he waits for a moment, checks his phone - still no answer - takes a breath, and knocks. And waits.
And no answer there either. He knocks again, a little more assertively. "Daniel, are you there?" he asks through the door, and his voice sounds surprisingly rough.
He could just not be back yet, or he might not have gone home at all, he reminds himself; it's not certain that Daniel is ignoring him, Seth is just being paranoid. He's just being irrational, like what caused this in the first place. Seth swears quietly to himself, at himself, and leans his forehead against the door.
"Look, if you're there, I'm sorry I snapped at you. I didn't... I didn't mean to... I dunno, okay? I'm just..." he says, his voice trailing off.
"I'm sorry."
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Daniel's panting by the time he makes it to the apartment, jams the key in and twists with more viciousness than is strictly necessary, letting the door slam shut behind him. He's spent the entire run here systematically imagining and discarding all the various explanations for what could be happening, each possibility progressively escalating in the level of bad until he eventually halted it with a flat-out refusal to accept the fear that Seth might be gone permanently. Daniel won't accept that. He challenges every god he meets; mercurial space-time Rifts that spontaneously fade people out of existence are no exception.
Except Seth isn't faded out of existence. He can't be. And if he is Daniel will just have to get him back. A nice, solid plan, beautiful in its simplicity, only that Daniel has no idea where to start with this one. He doesn't have any of the SGC's resources. He doesn't even have his books. All he has is his phone, the nearest library, and - and Google maps.
Well, if Daniel can help save the galaxy with duct tape and hope then he can save Seth with a library and Google maps.
It's a brief matter to grab a jacket in preparation for more possible rain, check to ensure he has wallet, keys, phone - no texts from the beyond, or wherever it is Seth is now and Daniel will try not to think about that however hard it is - and head out again.
cw: so much self-loathing?
And then someone enters the corridor and Seth looks up, and his heart makes a desperate leap for his throat.
"Daniel," he says hoarsely, stepping back a little, as Daniel walks closer and -- is not looking at Seth. Not even acknowledging him at all. Oh, God. Fuck. He really is angry with him, isn't he? So much he's actively ignoring Seth.
"Daniel, I'm so--" And then he slams the door in Seth's face, which feels a little to Seth as if he's just been stabbed in the gut, and his throat closes up, and he feels like shit, he just feels like utter shit.
He leans back against the opposite wall, drawing in a shaky breath, swallowing hard. How the hell did he even manage this? How on earth did he actually manage to piss off someone who has up until this point given the impression of being one of the most forgiving, patient, supporting, sincere people Seth has ever met? Is he really that fucked up, that he managed to do so without even meaning to?
Perhaps Daniel is just fed up. He wasn't going to just leave, he said, he wasn't going to just pretend Seth didn't need his help with all this shit. Perhaps he had meant it at the time, but how can you make promises like that? It had just been a dream that Daniel had seen Seth this fucked up in. He probably assumed it was an exaggeration - and it had been, sure. A little bit. Most of the time, Seth copes, he deals, he functions. But then sometimes, often unexpectedly, his problems rear their ugly head, and Seth does stupid shit, like shout at someone who's become one of his closest friends in a matter of weeks, someone he--
And then the door opens again, and Daniel is stepping out. Seth straightens nervously, and suddenly the phrase 'kept on tenterhooks' has a much more visceral and deeper meaning for him. And then... Daniel starts walking away.
"Daniel," he starts again, following him, hesitantly at first and then having to speed up.
"Daniel, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you, I'm sorry I'm such a mess," he says, despite not getting any sort of acknowledgement at all, trailing anxiously after him. "I just -- Please don't be mad, I... Will you just please talk to me?"
The last part comes out more than a little desperate, and he comes to a stop, not managing to follow any longer, but Daniel doesn't even slow down. Doesn't even glance back. Just. Walks ahead. Like Seth is air. Not even that, because you need air, don't you? Seth's not even that, he's just nothing.
And then Daniel is gone.
Seth punches the wall.
Ow. He hasn't done that in a long, long time. It's not even slightly as cathartic as he might've hoped, but impulse control seems to be dangerously low right now. But his hand doesn't hurt anywhere near as badly as his chest hurts at the moment.
Feeling defeated and hopeless and worthless, he leans against the wall and just sinks to floor, his breath hitching, and he doesn't even have the capacity to get out of this fucking terrible building. If they find him and lock him up again, perhaps it will just be for the best.
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But instead, there was...nothing. No one looked at her, no one fobbed their work off on her, there were no new emails, and even Dana’s phone wasn't acting smart and hissing and prophesying doom like it usually does. And it felt wrong, all of it, and it gave Dana the horrible sinking feeling that she’d gotten displaced somehow, again, the way people in the office seemed to look right through her.
So she tells the receptionist she was taking an early lunch, getting no response, and leaves the building to see what she can find out.
She heads to Bee’s apartment, which she’s not supposed to know the location of, but neither of them are too concerned about this silly factions business to keep those kind of secrets, and anyway Bee seems like the right person to ask about her anxieties, since she’d know from Dana’s patterns if anything is up.
She gets inside the building just fine, and just like at the office, people pass her by without a second glance. It makes Dana more and more nervous, especially after she gets no answer from Bee’s door. She hurries down through the floors, checking to see if anyone’s in the halls.
When Dana comes upon the man slumped against the wall she’s worked herself almost into a panic, and she asks with desperation, “Can you see me?”
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"Yeah?" he answers, though it comes out more of a question. She's clearly not having a great day either.
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"Are... are you crying?" she asks, getting a look at his face. "What's wrong?"
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"Not anymore," he answers honestly, because, well, no point in denying, is there? He draws a deep breath, and runs his hands over his face, in an effort to bring himself back to his surroundings a bit. "Just.. think I fucked something up, that's all," he adds, not wanting to blow her off but not wanting to lay the whole mess on her either. "What about you?" he asks, because she's acting a little oddly too.
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Dana looks around the hallway and hugs her arms, speaking low. “I don’t want to disappear again.” She spares a glance at him. She feels awkward being upset about this, especially when she’s so unassuming most of the time anyway. “I… does that sound crazy? Has anything like this happened to you, people just not noticing you?”
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And then. Disappear? His frown deepens, and gets to his feet so he can talk to her at eye level. As she goes on, he kind of ends up just staring at her for a few moments. Could... Is it possible Daniel wasn't just ignoring him?
"I... Yeah, I think it might have," he answers finally, though he's not quite managing to put it together in his head yet, because suddenly he's much more focused on her distress. "Look, it's okay, I can see you, you're not gonna disappear," he reassures, even if he has no idea what's really going on. "And it doesn't sound crazy at all." Given she is in this particular building, she must surely be at least a little bit acquainted with weird stuff happening.
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The guy seems nice enough, trying to reassure her, and she smiles at him.
"Thank you, that's very kind of you to say. It... sort of happened before I came here, though, and I half expect to just walk through a doorway one day and be somewhere else again."
Dana feels fairly self-conscious dumping her anxieties on a stranger, who looks like he has problems enough of his own, so she clears her throat and stands up straight. "I'm...I'm sorry," she offers, "if you needed to be alone, I could go. I probably should go, actually, I don't live here and I'm probably not supposed to be here." She's hedging her bets, admitting that she's not part of this "faction," but a guy who's having an emotional meltdown alone in a hallway is probably not a threat to her.
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"I don't live here either actually, I was, um, waiting for someone, but they left, so." Bit of a simplification, leaving out a few key details, but it's not untrue. "We can go sit down somewhere, get a coffee or something. Try to figure out what's going on." He pauses, awkwardly stuffing his hands in his pockets, and decides to be straight-forward. "You don't seem like you should be on your own right now, and I'm not sure I should be either, so."
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Dana wants to ask if the man is associated with Romac, since he doesn't seem to be with the rebels, but that's something of a loaded question. It's an open secret at the office that there are things her faction supposedly does that are unsavory, and that doesn't do much to engender an atmosphere of trust. Even if they're in the same camp, he might not be on her side. Not that Dana feels like she's on a side, but, still.
In the end Dana can only go with her gut, and her instinct is that this sad-eyed man could be a friend. "I think," she says carefully, "that would be nice." She nods, affirming her decision, and extends a hand. "I'm Dana."
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He lingers uncertainly for a brief moment, before heading towards the exist, gesturing awkwardly with his head for her to join. He's not sure where there's a place to sit down nearby, as he generally avoids this area, but he's sure they'll find something. It's Manhattan, it's practically crawling with coffee shops.
"Um.. When do you think it started? People not noticing you, I mean," he asks.
He's thinking back for himself as well, trying to determine whether it's been a problem for him. He'd had real trouble getting the cab driver to listen to him... He's strangely eager to get outside and see how people react to him now. Because if it's true, it means Daniel hasn't been ignoring him at all. And that thought fills him with warm relief.
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She shakes her head. "Honestly, I started to wonder if it was one of those Rift powers I hear people talk about, though it wouldn't be a very nice one, if it is."
browser ate my tag and I got so annoyed I had to put it off a few days. :|
When they get outside, Seth goes up to a random person. "Excuse me, could I--" He's flat-out ignored. Or rather, the person doesn't seem to intentionally avoid paying attention, they just don't notice. Seth tries again, with another person. With the third, he actually goes as far as to wave his hand obnoxiously in front of their eyes. They just blink a few times, as if to clear the vision, and keep on walking.
"Well..." Seth says, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "Guess that settles that." Is it weird he's kind of relieved?
Aww it's okay! No worries :)
Outside, she frowns as she watches various pedestrians ignore Seth in increasingly improbable ways. She even sticks out her foot to trip a woman, who stops just in time, looks around with a confused expression, and steps aside.
"Okay so, it's affecting both of us," Dana concludes, not entirely happy about having this confirmed, but at least she's not alone in whatever this problem is. She notices that Seth's shoulders relax just a little, but makes no comment. "I guess this would make it harder to get coffee, though." She offers a sheepish grin. "If you still wanted to?"
She'd like to get to know him a little better, since he seems nice. Back home this sort of randomly-occurring misfortune would probably be reversed in a couple of hours, but if these corporeal difficulties are anything like permanent, Dana wants to have at least one friend who knows what she's going through.
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"I mean... since it's both of us, chances are it's a Rift thing, affecting more people," he theorises out loud, as he pokes a random passerby in the shoulder. The man brushes off his shoulder with a frown but doesn't seem to notice Seth is even there.
"Which probably means people are working on it," he adds, turning back to Dana. "So, merely waiting isn't actually the worst idea." Waiting and also checking the network. He just doesn't particularly want to wait alone, and he suspects Dana doesn't either. And she seems sweet. Cute too, though considering Daniel is taking up most of his mind in that department, that's less important.