and I have become such an ungrateful man [closed]

[johnny_truant]

[[Content Warning: this post contains street harassment, references to racist/homophobic slurs, and pretty severe physical violence/assault. Putting it behind a cut cause it's both unsettling and kinda long. The thread itself will contain terrifying & brutal angelic wrath. Yay!]]




This isn't going to fucking work.

It might work.

But what if it doesn't.

More space and more dates - that's what Gabe had suggested the first time Johnny fucked up, after he came back with his tail between his legs. And this time it was Johnny to suggest it, with a brusque, inelegant text (hey can we please have dinner tonight just the two of us), sent several hours earlier after he realized he'd been staring angrily at the Bethesda fountain for almost ten whole minutes.

Now it's dark, and he barely sketched anything the whole damn day because he's been too busy thinking about what he's going to say when he gets to the restaurant.

I didn't pray because I thought I could handle it. Lie.

I didn't tell you who did it because I promised I wouldn't. Way too much of a clue.

I don't want you to hurt anyone for me.

Maybe that one. But he's not going to like that either.

Doesn't matter.

Maybe they can talk about something else entirely. Maybe they can go back to pretending everything is fine between them.

Hah.

Where is he, anyway? He's been wandering, distracted. He takes a moment to glance around, and finds he's gone half a block too far. He sighs, turns back sharply, and slams right into someone.

"Fuck!" he blurts, and a rough voice returns, "Hey, watch where you're fucking going."

"You watch it!" he snaps, a comeback just reflexive enough to make it out before he can fully take in the person he's talking to, who is nothing short of enormous, at least compared to him. Tall, thick, mean, and smelling strongly of cheap alcohol. Staring at him now, red-eyed, like he's stunned, offended almost, that this little tiny creature actually came back at him like that.

Johnny steps neatly around him. "I got somewhere to fucking be," he mutters.

The cast of the streetlights stretches the man's shadow along the sidewalk with him, and he sees it out of the corner of his eye as it starts to move. Fucking great. He starts moving a little faster, faster, maybe he should run, should he run?

"Hey," says the guy, and a shudder moves down Johnny's spine at the sound of it. He knows the type too well. Drunk, anger issues, and Johnny put himself right at the center of his crosshairs. The kind of guy who used to be the kind of kid that would beat him up at school. The kind of guy who'd grow up to be his foster father. "Hey!"

A younger, stupider Johnny would have picked the fight and come out bleeding and better for it. But this Johnny has gone soft and weak. This Johnny runs.

The guy's closer than he thinks and the sudden pounding of his footsteps on the sidewalk almost gives him a heart attack, but not so much as when a hand clamps around his arm, pulls him off balance and shoves him hard into a narrow alleyway. His back slams against a dumpster and he crumples, gasping, struggling to recover his breath, struggling to get his bearings, get up, get up, fight back.

"You talk real fucking big," says the guy, and drops another couple slurs, what is it with people assuming Johnny is Chinese, and gay, does he look particularly gay, or? He's still scrambling to right himself when the guy kicks him in the stomach, knocking him right back down. He curls over on himself, groaning, breathless, leaving himself totally vulnerable to being dragged up off the ground and shoved against the adjacent brick wall.

"You should go back to where you came from," he growls, sounding too much like Raymond, and hitting the mark a little too close, for all the wrong reasons. Johnny struggles back against him, come on, get a fucking punch in there, you used to be a goddamn fighter, but all he can do is choke and gasp for breath, pushing back feebly against the broad shoulders boxing him in.

The guy slams him back against the wall and drops him hard, he goes down like a ton of bricks, his head ringing too hard to think, too loud to pray. He kicks sharply in raw panic, hits the guy right in the shin, which only pisses him off more. The guy kicks him back and Johnny's too winded to even scream, and then the guy comes down on top of him, the better to beat the living shit out of him.

Comments

yeeeeah, lots of violence, a homophobic slur, general awfulness

[has_a_horn]

Gabriel stands in front of his bathroom mirror and runs his hands back through his hair. He's not sure what he's going to say to Johnny that he hasn't already said. He hates that Johnny doesn't trust him enough to tell him what happened that night, and he wishes that he knew just who or what Johnny is trying to protect from him. Most of all, he hates that Johnny doesn't trust him to do what's right.

Maybe they won't even talk about it. It can just be a normal date. That's doubtful. He knows that he won't be able to stop himself from pressing for the truth.

He rolls his eyes at his own reflection, then vanishes.

He arrives in an alley close to the restaurant.

Before he hears the agonized grunt of pain or the mumbled slur, he feels Johnny here. He's radiating agony. The feeling strikes him like a bullet that pushes its way out through his chest, and he staggers forward a step before he turns.

He sees the hulking body first, then the blood.

He strides closer as fast as his legs will take him, grips the man by the neck, and yanks him off of Johnny. The neanderthal flails in his grip, trying to dislodge Gabriel's hand with his own. He tosses him aside, and he hears something crack, but he doesn't check to see if it was the wall or the man. Johnny is what's important here.

He steps over, his heart pounding in his chest. Johnny's still breathing. Oh, God. Johnny's still breathing. "Johnny-" His own breath hitches. "It's gonna be okay."

A groan and the sound of denim over cement and broken brick, and the man is up. He squares his stance and doesn't show any sign that he's going to stop.

"Daddy to the rescue," he says, voice dripping with disgust. "Fucking fags."

Gabriel doesn't stop in his motion to kneel beside Johnny. He needs to heal him now because this is bad and it's only going to get worse if he does nothing. Johnny's cheek is hot and covered in blood when he slides his hand over it. "You're okay now." He starts healing him, but there's a lot to do. I should have been here earlier, he thinks, desperately.

A booted foot connects with his ribs and he draws in a sharp breath. When he looks up at the man hovering over both of them, he makes no effort to hide the unrestrained rage that he's feeling. He sneers. The man spits in his face.

He doesn't have time for this.

The man's eyes widen in shock and he grips frantically at his chest as he falls backward against the brick wall of the alley. He breathes in hiccups and starts. Blood spots his lips as his boot leaves a small streak of black rubber against the gray concrete.

"Stay down," Gabriel growls out. The man is visibly panicked, but he doesn't try to move again.

Gabriel wipes the spit from his cheek and turns back to Johnny.

etc

[johnny_truant]

Literal fucking angel.

Johnny sucks in a ragged breath when the bludgeoning weight is pulled from him, blinking through blood up at Gabriel, how? did he manage to pray? did Gabe just find him? He tries to speak but he can't yet, just a soft whimper. Gabe kneels over him; the hand on him is mercifully gentle, and his eyes slip shut for a moment. At first he thinks he's so relieved that he's literally feeling it spread through him, but it's relief of a different kind, Gabe is healing him, putting him back together. His eyes open again, meeting Gabe's - he looks furious, he looks terrifying, Johnny doesn't want to see him like this, and doesn't want Gabe to see him now, but he can't muster up a single ounce of regret because all he feels is gratitude, thank god, thank some universe's actual god, that he's here.

After everything he's been through he could not abide going down like that.

And then the fucker is back, no, no, no, has the sheer fucking audacity to kick Gabe in the ribs, spit on him. Johnny coughs out a gasp of protest, an absurd kneejerk reaction of don't you dare, like this asshole could actually do any damage to Gabriel, and then - then-

What's-

His eyes move slowly from Gabe to the man, wide-eyed, bleeding and choking, quivering and clutching his chest, and a pit forms in his stomach, cold, leaden dread, that he's seeing something he never wanted to see.

Gabe knits his chest and his ribs, his teeth, and the first thing that worms its way out of his miserable ungrateful mouth is, "What did you do?!"

[has_a_horn]

Johnny is pulled back together moment by moment. When he can breath without pain and look back at him without blood in his eyes, Gabriel breathes a sigh of relief. He's alive and in one piece and he could have been too late, it could have been over just like that, lost at the end of a fist.

Johnny's question doesn't make much sense to him until he follows his gaze to their attacker, who skitters back a fraction when Gabriel looks his way.

"I donated his heart to Mount Sinai. Maybe someone there can use it." He doesn't smile. This has been too much to smile. He wants to take Johnny home and keep him safe. He breathes out and, already kneeling in front of Johnny, leans forward until his forehead is resting on Johnny's chest.

He tried to take my heart, so I took his.

[johnny_truant]

"N-"

Is he joking? Fuck. Fuck, he's not. He flashes back to Lucifer's grotesque impersonation, 'trickster justice', oh god, he really fucking did that.

"No," he gasps, flailing an arm up and wrapping it hard around Gabe, clinging to him even as he protests what's been done. "No, no! Put it back, put it back now!"

This can't happen. This is not a death he wants. No one can be punished for him.

"Please," he begs, his voice raw, both arms around Gabe now, fingers digging into his back. "Please, don't do this. I don't want anyone to die because of me, not even fucking assholes like him, okay, please." He presses his head in against Gabe's, holding him close, unable to look at the dying man even as he begs for his undeserving life.

[has_a_horn]

Gabriel's fingers dig into the fabric of Johnny's shirt and grip tightly as he starts begging with him. He doesn't want to save the man, and every instinct in his body tells him to leave him, but he knows that he shouldn't. There's every reason for him to have not done what he did. And yet, he still did. Because Johnny was hurt. Because the man deserves this punishment.

He nods, half nuzzling into Johnny. He feels Johnny's hands grip him, urging him to move, but he feels dazed somehow, slightly detached from the situation. This should be over now, he just wants to be with Johnny, but it's not over.

He nods again. "Okay."

He doesn't have long before the lack of blood pumping to the man's brain will start having serious effects, so he pushes himself up from Johnny's side. With two fingers to the man's forehead, the heart is replaced and enough of his injuries healed that he can walk away from this. Gabriel doesn't speak. He feels tired, though he's not sure if it's from the use of his powers or just the toll of seeing Johnny nearly dead. Lucifer would call him weak, he thinks, and maybe that's true.

The man stands on shaky feet and stumbles away, still clutching his chest. His wallet is lying in the alley, dislodged in the fight or when he fell back against the wall. Gabriel picks it up and slides it into his coat pocket. If he changes his mind, he'll know where to find him and, either way, he'll know his name. He sighs and rubs a hand across his forehead. It leaves a streak of blood behind.

He turns to offer Johnny a hand up and when he speaks again, he sounds exhausted. "Can we go home now?"

[johnny_truant]

Johnny struggles to get up - his body is fine, which is weird, because his brain is still on overdrive, his system flooded with adrenaline, the memory of pain still very real. It's hard to move, to convince his body he can move. He gets halfway up, leaning on the wall, before he stumbles and slumps down against it. He's exhausted.

Gabe heals the man, or at least keeps him from dying, and Johnny breathes out slowly. He takes Gabe's hand and pulls himself up, standing shakily.

"Please," he says, and more or less collapses into his arms. "Please, right the fuck now."

[has_a_horn]

"Okay." As Johnny falls against him, he rushes to support him. "Going home." He takes a moments breath, then hefts Johnny up into his arms. In the next moment, Gabriel is leaning to place Johnny on his bed back in Hell's Kitchen.

He sits on the edge of the bed beside him and lifts a hand to push Johnny's hair back from his forehead. It's a comfort to him to touch Johnny, to have him within his reach, but his touch is light and careful. It's easy sometimes to forget how delicate humans really are, but tonight it's a truth hard to avoid. He keeps thinking how close he'd been to losing Johnny.

It occurs to him belatedly that Johnny might prefer to be by himself, or down in his own room. After all, they'd had an argument. The date was going to be his chance to smooth out the rough edges, to look for a compromise. That didn't get to happen.

He pulls his hand back. "Would you rather be downstairs?"

[johnny_truant]

Johnny lets Gabe move him around, finding comfort in not having to do anything. He closes his eyes as soon as he's on the bed, just lies still for a moment, letting his breathing slow, absorbing the relative quiet and safety of the apartment.

"No," he answers quickly. "No, it's good here." Here is safer. Here is more like home than his apartment, which is just his waystation. Where he keeps all the unattractive parts of himself. He reaches up shakily and takes Gabe's hand, holding it as tightly as he can right now.

"I was going to pray," he says, and the moment the words are out his voice is trembling again and his eyes open and there's already tears, fuck, dammit. "I promise, I was going to, I just - I didn't - I just couldn't hear myself think, I - I couldn't-"

He sucks in a labored breath, going silent with a soft, tired whimper. After the shitshow with Tim he has to make this clear now, that this wasn't the same thing, that he wouldn't have kept silent, not for this.

[has_a_horn]

Gabriel holds Johnny's hand, but the moment he sees him wavering he lifts his spare hand to Johnny's face. When the tears come, he wipes them away.

"I know. It's okay." He knows that the intention was there, just seeing Johnny in the alley had told him that. It's hard to think when its hard to even breathe. Johnny would have called him if he could have. "I found you." His breath hitches at the thought of what would have happened if he hadn't found him.

He sits for a little while running his thumb over Johnny's cheek, then gently pulls away. They'd probably both be able to fall asleep here fully clothed, but he wants to make Johnny comfortable. He stands and carefully unties and removes Johnny's shoes, then sets them beside the bed. He's exhausted, but it feels good to be taking care of Johnny. However bad tonight was for him, for Johnny it was ten times worse.

He groans as he stands back up and sets his hand at Johnny's ankle to get his attention. "Can I change your clothes?" He squeezes his hand at his ankle. "PJs?" When he agrees, he changes him into his pajamas, and then changes himself out of his own jeans, t-shirt and jacket and into pajama pants. The man's wallet gets safely tucked away in the bedside drawer.

"Johnny-" He hesitates a moment at the edge of the bed before lying down. On his side, he leans forward until his head rests against Johnny's. Maybe he shouldn't be doing this, maybe Johnny will decide later that he's still upset with him, but he's not certain enough of that to stop himself. Right now it seems like Johnny wants him here, and he's going to accept that.

"I just want you to be safe." He's not sure if he's talking about the problem they'd had days before and they're argument or if he's just expressing the only thought that will come to mind at this moment.

Later, he won't be able to say if it's instinct or a decision that makes him do it, but in that moment his wings manifest physically, covering them both in a protective canopy.

[johnny_truant]

"I know," he says quietly, curling up against him. He's pretty sure this is not just about today, and in fact, Gabriel provided a pretty clear example why Johnny reacted the way he did before, but he doesn't think he has the requisite energy to bring that up just yet.

When Gabe manifests his wings, Johnny lets out a soft, appreciative hum and reaches up gingerly to run his fingers through the downy fluff on the inner wing nearest him.

"Thank you," he whispers, and he thinks - he should expand the room, shouldn't he, it's so crowded in here for those wings, but he doesn't think he's quite ready to do that. He could have done that in the alley, could have defended himself, and didn't.

Gabe found him. Lucky fucking break. His own breath hitches and he presses in closer, shivering slightly.

"I - I'm sorry," he says, no idea what for. Softer and steadier, he murmurs, "I love you."

It was terrifying to admit it the first time and it's gotten so much worse now, knowing he'll hear it back, but right now, after everything that almost happened, he doesn't care. He needs to say it and he can live with hearing it, if only just this once.

[has_a_horn]

Gabriel hums appreciatively to the feeling of Johnny's fingers brushing through his feathers It's nice, and he finds it comforting in ways he can't parse. Possibly something about Johnny making contact with, and appreciating what he really is.

When Johnny presses in closer, he takes the opportunity to get closer himself. He settles his arm around Johnny's waist and lets their legs tangle together. Maybe they should have gotten under the sheets, he thinks, but it would be too much to move now. He doesn't want to be separated from Johnny right now. Anyway, his wings will keep them warm.

His hand strokes gently but haphazardly at Johnny's side until he says that he's sorry. Gabriel doesn't need to ask why he's sorry, he assumes just because of how harrowing this night has been. He feels the same. He pauses and looks into Johnny's face, studying his expression.

He's not expecting the declaration of love. As much as he knows how Johnny feels, hearing is out loud is different. Amidst all the bad tonight, this feels good. A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth and he squeezes his hand at Johnny's side.

"I love you too." He tips his head forward a fraction and finds Johnny's lips. The kiss is chaste but lingering, and when he pulls away he keeps himself close. He rests there, and after a minute or so, lets his eyes slip closed.

"I'm sorry we missed our date." He huffs a quick laugh, trying to diffuse the remaining tension in his limbs. "I was nervous about it. You should have seen me get ready." His eyes flick back open and he finds Johnny's gaze so that he can smile at him. It's a weak smile, but it's definitely genuine. "I tried on three different outfits."

[johnny_truant]

He closes his eyes when Gabe responds in kind and meets the little kiss before tucking his head down to rest under Gabe's chin. He doesn't stay there for long, looking up again as Gabe talks. The smile is nice. Makes him feel a little better about everything. He smiles back, just as weak, just as genuine.

"I bet they all looked hot," he says softly, running his hand over Gabe's hair, brushing his ear, before reaching over his shoulder to scratch delicately between his feathers. He loves seeing the wings, being able to touch them, it's - it's more comforting than he ever could have imagined.

"It's probably for the best, though," he mumbles. "I mean, not... not what happened, but..." He sighs and slumps down, looking away. "I don't think it would have gone super well."

[has_a_horn]

Gabriel dips his head to bury his nose in Johnny's hair and hums out a noncommittal response. Their conversation not going well is probably the reason he'd been so anxious about the date in the first place. Hearing the thought reaffirmed by Johnny isn't exactly encouraging.

He's quiet for a while, considering what he can say that won't make this into that discussion. He doesn't want to talk about it now, not after what happened. He focuses on the feeling of Johnny's hands, of the warmth of his body here. It was so easy to attack that man tonight, and it would still be his first thought if Johnny were ever in that situation again. It's hard to imagine what would make someone who would attack Johnny worth protecting.

"I-" He huffs out a breath and nuzzles fiercely into Johnny's hair. "I want you safe. But...I do trust you. Of course I want to know what's going on. They hurt you. Whoever it was." He can feel his heart beating faster at the thought. He keeps thinking of Johnny back in the alley- the blood, the look on Johnny's face. He thinks, if he hadn't fucked around being anxious about the date maybe he'd have been there in time to stop all of it from happening.

He takes a deep breath to try and calm himself back down. "Of course I wanna know why. But...I don't need to know, as long as I know that I will be there if you get hurt again."

[johnny_truant]

Johnny says nothing for a moment, letting Gabe say what he needs to say. He nods slightly, not in assent but in consideration.

"I know you want me safe," he says. "And I know I need to... get better about asking for help. I should have prayed to you before walking home. But I couldn't... I can't-" He sighs heavily, flopping onto his back and looking up at the ceiling, or what he can see of it behind the feathered canopy. "That, what you almost did to that fucker, that's exactly why I couldn't call you. Gabe, you... you took his heart out, without even fucking questioning. So yeah, I am protecting who hurt me before, because it's - complicated. And it's not my business to share."

This is already more information than he wants to reveal, but he figures it's worth the risk. They're talking, and there's little chance of them getting angry now, when they're both so desperate to be near each other.

"Anyway, it won't happen again," he murmurs, perhaps overconfidently. "I'm reasonably sure of that."

[has_a_horn]

Gabriel grumbles and reaches out to rest his hand on Johnny's chest, then completes the motion by flopping forward and resting his head against Johnny's shoulder. His feathers puff out en masse, lifting and expanding, then his wings adjust to his new position and resettle as he settles in against Johnny. He's not happy with anything less than Johnny being absolutely sure that he won't get attacked again, but he knows that he can't ask for that.

"Do not tell the TARDIS I did that. She'd give me the disappointed face." He traces his thumb back and forth on Johnny's chest, over his heart. He probably shouldn't have done it. He knows that. He doesn't have the right to kill people when he doesn't even know if they have souls to be redeemed. "When I saw you there-" Johnny broken, covered in blood. Something in him had snapped. Killing the man had felt right after that.

He sighs. "It won't happen again." He's reasonably sure.

[johnny_truant]

Johnny smiles faintly, and a little regretfully, at the mention of the TARDIS. She'd probably be disappointed in him too, if he could even talk to her. He gazes up at Gabriel's rippling feathers, draws a breath and releases it slowly. He flexes one hand and expands the room a little, giving the wings some breathing space. Much as he doesn't mind having them draped over him, he doesn't like seeming Gabe all cramped up like this.

"I'm sorry," he says softly, and moves his hand to cover Gabe's. "Sorry I've been so... difficult."

[has_a_horn]

As the room expands, Gabriel lets his wings stretch out a little before pulling them back. He knows that using his power is a tough thing for Johnny to do, so he really appreciates when he uses it to make room for him.

Johnny seems to be apologizing a lot, and he doesn't like that Johnny seems to be taking so much of this on himself. "I don't want you to be perfect. You've been learning what you want, who you wanna be. Growing." He sighs and relaxes a little, letting his body settle in against Johnny's. "Sometimes that means I need to help out. Or take a step back. I'm okay with that."

[johnny_truant]

Johnny nods, resting his head on Gabe. He doesn't really have a response to that. That was just - kind, encouraging. Like Gabe actually does think he's getting better, has a chance at being maybe a little normal. No one's ever...

He wraps his arms around Gabe suddenly and presses against him, kissing a line up his neck to his jaw before finding his mouth. It's weirdly avid, after all this slow gentility and holding each other, but he can't help himself, right now he just wants to make Gabe happy more than anything in the world and that's such a weird fucking feeling he doesn't know what to do with it, but he wants to hang onto it all the same.

"Thank you," he murmurs, fingers slipping into his hair.

[has_a_horn]

Gabriel is happy to let Johnny shift in closer, but the change in position is something of a surprise. His wings flap once in the contained space and he lets out a surprised laugh before Johnny finds his mouth. He's not sure if it's the right time for whatever this is, but it feels good. Both of them have been so wound up lately, maybe this is what they need to finally, really relax. He deepens the kiss.

He smiles fondly at Johnny when he pulls back. "What for?" He knows why Johnny said thank you, but part of him is curious what he'll say, or if he'll say anything at all.

[johnny_truant]

Johnny almost doesn't want to answer, wants to leave all talking well behind them, but he wants more to let Gabe know exactly what he's feeling, what this means to him.

"Just - being good to me," he says, burying his face against Gabe's shoulder in a burst of shyness. "Giving me a fuckin' chance. For being - being you."

Something inside him curls uncomfortably at the sheer vulnerability of the moment, but he tamps it down dutifully. It's worth it, goddammit.

[has_a_horn]

"Look at you, talking about feelings." He smiles and lifts a hand to run through Johnny's hair, then down along his back. "Should I take a picture to commemorate the moment? I can imagine it now." He chuckles. "Just you, bright red, with your hand covering your face."

He exhales a breath, half laugh and half sigh, and waits for Johnny's face to reappear from hiding so that he can kiss him again. The kiss isn't as fevered as the last one, but he doesn't hesitate this time to let it last.

When he pulls away, he finds Johnny's gaze and holds it for a moment. "You gave me a chance too, remember that." He dips his head to press a kiss to Johnny's jaw. "That's why we're here."

[johnny_truant]

"Shut up." Johnny giggles, nervous and embarrassed, hand reaching up to cover his face just as described before Gabriel catches him in another kiss. He smiles into it, moving one hand to the back of Gabe's head, resting the other amidst his feathers. He meets Gabe's eyes, his gaze flickering up and down shyly, quietly relieved when the moment ends.

"Yeah." He lets his eyes fall shut, relishing this, this rare uncomplicated moment. Feels like it's been such a long time. He nudges his head under Gabe's chin, a sort of catlike motion. "Hey - can you, um." He feels his face flush. He wishes he could blame this on drunkenness rather than just - whatever this is. He peeks up at the wing hovering over him. "Can you like, fold that back over me, or-"

He breaks off, too embarrassed to continue. He doesn't even know why this is so hard to request, maybe because it's so intimate and so weird, he just knows he feels safe here, and that's such an unusual thing, and he wants to hang onto it.