Johnny lies there quietly as Gabe tries to explain. If he's being honest with himself the lack of eye contact is just as much a relief to him as it is Gabe. This is hard for Gabe to talk about and hard for him to hear - not just, not even principally because it showcases how small he is and always was next to what the TARDIS could offer, but because it brings further to light how awful this is for Gabe, what a tremendous loss it was. Johnny will probably never fully understand it.
He's quiet for a few moments more after Gabe finishes talking, holding a little tighter onto him. "I understand," he says finally. "I mean, not... I don't think I can understand what you guys had, really, I barely even understood what she was, but... I understand why you - and why you didn't tell me."
He tilts his head up, not quite meeting Gabe's eyes, but looking toward him, focusing idly on his mouth. "I was fucked up for so long, I mean I still am, and... I guess I think I know what you mean, about... losing someone who's your home, I mean, when they took my mom away it was like..." He feels stupid for trying to draw a comparison, embarrassed for bringing it up; his stomach twists and he looks away, settling his head back down on Gabe's chest. "I dunno. I just knew I was never gonna be normal again. I mean she took that away from me before I was old enough to really - and when she was gone so was everything I ever... and yeah, I've been down this road, where you lose everything and it kinda just makes sense to go with it."
He feels uneasy saying all this. Wants to brush it aside. "But I have you now, and you're more like home than anyone's ever been, and... I just wish I could be more, or... I don't know what I'm saying anymore."
That's not really true, he knows exactly what he's saying, he's just run out of the will to say it. This is making his skin crawl, like when he had to get used to being in love with Gabriel, saying it aloud, hearing it echoed back to him. It's still so hard to accept that any of this is real, and he has no idea how much going through his bullshit is even helpful here.
"I'm sorry," he mumbles. "I don't know what else to say."
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He's quiet for a few moments more after Gabe finishes talking, holding a little tighter onto him. "I understand," he says finally. "I mean, not... I don't think I can understand what you guys had, really, I barely even understood what she was, but... I understand why you - and why you didn't tell me."
He tilts his head up, not quite meeting Gabe's eyes, but looking toward him, focusing idly on his mouth. "I was fucked up for so long, I mean I still am, and... I guess I think I know what you mean, about... losing someone who's your home, I mean, when they took my mom away it was like..." He feels stupid for trying to draw a comparison, embarrassed for bringing it up; his stomach twists and he looks away, settling his head back down on Gabe's chest. "I dunno. I just knew I was never gonna be normal again. I mean she took that away from me before I was old enough to really - and when she was gone so was everything I ever... and yeah, I've been down this road, where you lose everything and it kinda just makes sense to go with it."
He feels uneasy saying all this. Wants to brush it aside. "But I have you now, and you're more like home than anyone's ever been, and... I just wish I could be more, or... I don't know what I'm saying anymore."
That's not really true, he knows exactly what he's saying, he's just run out of the will to say it. This is making his skin crawl, like when he had to get used to being in love with Gabriel, saying it aloud, hearing it echoed back to him. It's still so hard to accept that any of this is real, and he has no idea how much going through his bullshit is even helpful here.
"I'm sorry," he mumbles. "I don't know what else to say."