bigapplesauce | Deck the Halls [open to multiple]

It is very cold, and has been for days, but Cole likes the snow. It's pretty and peaceful, makes things a little quieter sometimes. Until white becomes water, and wets the roads, and those caravans that move so fast and loud and contain so much tightness and impatience start to shriek against the soaked streets. But right now it's all right.

He's exploring, because he likes to, because he can't think of a single thing to do in his little home that doesn't really belong to him. There is some kind of thing happening - he can feel it in the air and the people, sees it in the strange lights on his tower, in shop windows. Not everyone is preparing for it, but a great many are, and they are somehow brim-filled with both excitement and dread. Cole does not know what to make of it.

He ambles down the streets, watching and listening, waiting for something to strike him, until something finally does - it is familiar, the mind of the creature Gabriel who he met under such sorrowful circumstances. He is lighter now; the pain is still there, but it is quiet, content to rest a while. He is happy.

He approaches and looks up, finding the man-who-is-not-a-man up a ladder and attaching lights to a small tower. More of a house, he supposes, but no one seems to call them houses here.

"I like the colors," he offers from the ground.

It's not until the man speaks that Gabriel takes note of the unusual presence behind him. He looks over his shoulder with a smile, but seeing that figure again is a jolt that he hadn't been expecting. His smile doesn't falter, but he takes a moment and tries to separate the man from the extraordinary pain of their last meeting. The memory aches, but he finds it's good to finally see Cole's face, to see him again at all.

"You should see them lit up." With a distracted wave of his hand, the light string completes it's way across the building. He takes a couple steps down from the ladder and then jumps the rest of the way. "Good to see you again. Were you looking for me?"

Cole tilts his head to think about it. "No," he decides. "I was just looking. Gabriel." He shifts his weight slowly from foot to foot. "I'm Cole. You remember."

It's not a question. Some people don't remember him - most people don't, here. But then others do. It isn't surprising that Gabriel remembers. His mind is different. Bigger, brighter, busier. He remembers things much older than his body. He is very strange. Cole wants to ask him about it, but feels he shouldn't.

"How do they light up?" he asks instead. "Is it magic?"

"Nahhh." Gabriel shakes his head and then reconsiders and shrugs. "Kind of. No magic spell. It's electricity. The same thing that powers lightning. It gets pulled out of the air by...magnets and steam and wind and then run through an enormous series of wires that wind up at my twinkle lights."

"It's pretty cool." He snaps his fingers and the two strands he'd put up already light up. He still has more to do, but it looks festive and cheery to him, and they all probably need festive and cheery right about now. "They'll look better at night."

Edited 2016-06-12 06:49 (UTC)

"Oh!" Cole nods attentively. He doesn't understand the part with all the magnets and steam and wind and wires but he knows electricity. "It's storm magic. My friend, the Inquisitor, he uses it all the time. Never to make little colorful lights." Varric calls Dorian 'sparkler' sometimes, but that's not the same thing either. He wonders if any mages have ever thought to do this, use their lightning to make lights.

"Are you an apostate?" he asks curiously. "A mage, I mean." He's encountered a few people with magic but no one seems to know what he means by 'apostate'. He thinks it might be better than way.

"Apostate." He huffs a laugh. It could be argued that he is both an apostate and incapable of being one, since he is a major figure in the faith that he has largely rejected. The clarification makes the question make more sense, but Gabriel still wonders what that means- are the clergy and mages separate entities where Cole comes from? That would be an interesting set up, for sure. "No, I'm not a mage. Not human, either, but I think you already know that much."

"Yes," says Cole. "You are very bright. Too bright. I had a friend who was too bright, but he was just a person underneath. You're much more. Too much to see." He shifts his weight, fingers fiddling restlessly with each other. Corypheus was powerful like this, but dark, hard, sharp and red inside. Cruel power, harsh shadows, overwhelming want. Gabriel is sad, soft, tired. He wants to go home. They all want to go home. But Gabriel does not belong here more than the others. He should not be tethered to this body, this earth.

"I felt like this for a while," he murmurs on his own train of consciousness. "Caught, confused and cowering, not in the Fade and not in the real world. Then my friend helped me become more human. But people still forget me here. It's like I've gone backwards." His eyes land on Gabriel once again, refocusing. "You remembered. I knew you would."

"...you're very insightful." He huffs out a laugh, slightly embarrassed by the accurate analysis. It seems like he's not going to be able to hide from Cole anymore than he had the first time they'd met. Cole seems to be responding more to his feelings that anything he actually said. That part he'll have to learn how to work with. "It's not bad, but it's going to take some getting used to."

Gabriel's been around humans for a long time. It feels like communicating in nonhuman ways is always going to feel a little foreign to him.

He does want to ask a few questions about the Fade and Cole becoming more human, but if they're just going to be standing around he'd rather be inside where it's warm. "You want to come up?" He smiles and nods his head towards the front door. "I make some tasty hot chocolate."

"Yes," murmurs Cole of his own insightfulness. It always takes getting used to. He understands that, better now than he did before, when he was caught between, Fade and feeling. Gabriel hasn't met something like him in a long time, but it will come back, old habits like still water below the earth.

The invitation is kind and welcome. Cole manages a little smile of his own and nods once. "I would like that," he says. "My friend The Iron Bull gave me hot chocolate once, when I was learning how to eat and drink. It was very good. I liked it."

Babbling as he follows Gabriel inside. Cold is something he can endure, but warmth is nicer, comforting. They're going upstairs, but there are many memories here, in the rooms around them. Old, drifted away and gone, of loneliness and addiction, the taking of gifts and giving them away. Newer, present but not here, heavy with fear and doubt, heart blackened by a thousand bad memories, but Gabriel is a light that shines through the darkness, he makes it better. Something terrible happened to this house once, something that made it blue, but now it's fixed.

Cole says nothing as he follows Gabriel up.

"The Iron Bull" Gabriel smiles at the name. A lot of images come to mind with that name, none of which he assumes is correct, but each equally amusing. It seems like Cole used to run with a very interesting crew. "Sounds like a friend I'd like to have. Hot chocolate is an excellent choice."

He glances back over his shoulder at Cole, smiling down at the wide brim of the hat. "But I'll have the honor of introducing you to the beauty of the mini-marshmallow."

When he opens the door, Scout looks up from his water dish and trots over to excitedly investigate the new person in the room. "This is Scout," Gabriel says fondly, "he's a terrible guard dog."

Edited 2016-07-06 20:54 (UTC)

Cole wonders what The Iron Bull would think of a creature like Gabriel. He would seem a demon to many of Cole's friends, as he himself had. But The Iron Bull liked him in spite of his fear. He would probably like Gabriel as well. A friend in an unfamiliar form, gentle, jesting - they would share jokes that would make the Inquisitor groan, Dorian uncomfortable, and Varric laugh. He can feel it. All he says is, "Yes." Thinking about The Iron Bull and the Inquisitor Dorian and Varric makes him sad.

He follows Gabriel through to his dwelling and immediately crouches down to meet Scout.

"He knows he doesn't need to guard you," says Cole softly, letting Scout sniff his fingers. He's delighted to meet the dog; dogs are wonderful, friendly, compassionate. "You are powerful and you take care of him. He doesn't protect; he loves." He moves his hands gently over Scout's fur, scratching behind his ears and on top of his head. "I'm Cole."

Gabriel smiles at Cole as he closes the door and walks past him and Scout into the living room. He likes what Cole said about Scout- it's comforting to know that Scout feels safe with him. It's good too, that Cole feels safe enough with him to be here, knowing what he is. Even so, he puts a barrier up in his mind like he does for the Balladeer. It won't quiet things entirely but he's hoping that it might make Cole more comfortable here.

With Johnny he might go to the trouble of making hot chocolate on the stove, but he hopes that Cole won't mind if he throws the ingredients together magically. At the same time he sits down, two large mugs appear on the coffee table, both topped with a ridiculous amount of mini-marshmellows. "Come here, we can all have a cuddle." In this case, he's talking about inviting Scout up onto the couch while they talk, but if Cole misinterprets the request he probably wouldn't mind cuddling up to him either.

"Oh," murmurs Cole when Gabriel shuts himself out. It's jarring, like a window suddenly shut tight, the glass dirty, difficult to see through. There's no anger or fear behind it; Gabriel isn't afraid of him. He doesn't need to forget. Cullen and Vivienne wish they could put up walls to block him out. Sometimes he wishes it wasn't so easy to hear them. This is all right. It will help him be like a normal person, at least a little.

He follows Gabriel over, peering with interest at the cocoa. "It came out of nothing," he exclaims after a moment. "It wasn't real except in our heads, and then you made it real. I've never met a spirit who could do that! At least, not outside the Fade."

He crouches down on the floor by the table, reaches out his hand to feel the cup. Warm, welcoming, warming his hands. Familiar, like the Iron Bull. "There's even the Orlesian guimauves," he remarks, noting the - Gabriel called them marshmallows.

He looks back, catching Gabriel's eye under the brim of his hat. "How did you do that?"

Gabriel raises his eyebrows at the question. It's a difficult thing to describe how he creates things accurately without delving into quantum physics and magic at the same time, but he does appreciate that Cole is curious.

"Uh-" He pats the couch beside him, and Scout hops up and settles down next to him then shoves his snout under Gabriel's hand. He ruffles his hand into Scout's fur as he looks down at Cole. "I can feel what it's supposed to be and I...create space for it. I let it become what I want." That's not entirely correct, but the spirit of it feels true, and it's nice to find ways to describe what he does in new ways.

He leans forward and picks up his mug, then hunches over it a little, warming his hands. "You have angels where you're from or am I new and awesome in every way?" He tips his head down and raises an eyebrow at Cole, letting him know that he's being playful with him. He's not sure how well Cole is at reading people without the added benefit of peeking into their minds, so he's making an effort to give him a few more surface clues than he usually might.

If it's magic, it's unlike any he's ever seen. It doesn't feel like magic and Gabriel doesn't feel like a mage. It could be he pulls things from the Fade and puts them here, but to pull so perfectly and present with such precision, it doesn't seem possible. People believe that only the Maker can create. Cole can't feel it now, but he remembers feeling Gabriel's loneliness, the last of the Maker's first children. Maybe Cassandra would know better what he is.

"I don't think so," he says. "We have spirits, and demons, and gods, but the gods might also be spirits. I thought you were a spirit, but now I'm not sure. I'm a spirit, or part of me is, but I can't make anything new. I heal hurts. I help people. It was easier before."

Before being human, before coming here. Both are true, but Cole keeps them close for now. Being human has taught him care, and not being able to feel Gabriel makes him think he should be quieter, to make balance in how much they reveal. Being a person is complicated.

"I'm not really a spirit...at least how I use the word. I'm more like a piece of a God shoved into a shiny human wrapper. I've got wings, I'm from heaven, magical powers, the whole kit and kaboodle." He doesn't mention that the rift is still curtailing his powers in certain ways, or how limited he'd felt when he'd first arrived here.

He takes a sip from his mug and sighs happily at the taste before looking back down towards Cole. He could ask him what the Fade is like, but he's not sure he'd get any further with that than someone asking what heaven is like. Instead, he asks, "Do you like it, being more human?"

In some respect, Gabriel has more experience with humanity than Cole ever will. He's spent lifetimes among humans, interacting with them, passing judgement against them. Despite his body, everything human about Gabriel is a learned mannerism rather than an ingrained trait. He wonders if it's different for Cole, if something fundamental about him changed and Cole took notice of it.

"Yes," Cole says after a moment's hesitation. "I couldn't keep being what I was before. I was... in between, both real and not, watching, helping, but no one could see me unless I let them see me, and even then, they forgot. I made friends. The Inquisitor, Varric, the Iron Bull..." And one who's just a scratch in the back of his head now, can't remember, not right. Doesn't matter. He shakes his head quickly. He doesn't like thinking about the scratch.

"They remembered me. They helped me. Bad things could have happened to me if I'd stayed the way I was. They could have helped me become more like I what I was... a spirit, flitting, fading, forgotten, just Compassion without confusion, but the Inquisitor wanted me to grow. They helped me become more human. Now people see me. It's harder to help, but... I remember who I am, I remember my friends." Most of them. "I can learn. Change." He takes a tentative sip of the hot cocoa. It's sweet. Rich. Real. "I can eat and drink. It's strange, but, nice."

"Change can be good." A sliver of a smile twitches onto his lips as he looks down at his drink. Cole's story reminds him of his own development over the years. How naive he was, at the beginning of everything. How long it took him to learn anything of real value. "And hot cocoa. I'm a big fan of hot cocoa."

"it wasn't the first thing I ever ate, but once chocolate started showing up more places I was all over that. Especially the sweet kind." He takes a sip from his mug and savors it for a moment. The marshmallows are melting down into the cocoa now and the sip he gets is extra sweet. "The first anything I had was bread and beer. Good, but I think I like this better."

The phrase 'compassion without confusion' replays in his mind for a little while. Was Cole a healing spirit, going around and helping people without any real needs of his own? That's the impression that he's getting, and not hard to believe after how Cole had found him. If that's true, it must be so strange for Cole to be anything approaching human. He can see why the hat would come in handy now, if he's not used to people looking directly at him. "I doubt your Spirits are anything like angels," he says after a moment. "We were soldiers first."

Johnny smiles when he sees the decorations on their building. Looks like someone's getting into the spirit of the holiday, at least. Christmas has never been much of a big deal for Johnny - all his LA Christmases were generally crass affairs - but he imagines Gabe probably has some interesting baggage about the whole thing.

He steps into his apartment just to drop off his stuff and pick up Yarrow before heading up to Gabe's place. He enters without knocking, as usual, and at first thinks Gabe is alone on the couch before he spots the... giant hat sitting next to him.

"Oh." He stops, and a very pale, creepy-eyed face peeks up at him from under the comically huge brim. There's something you don't see every day. "Sorry, I didn't know we were having guests."

Which is a dumb thing to say. It's not like they had specific plans. It's not even like he lives here in this apartment. But he enjoys saying it anyway, that sort of domestic kick of we, like of course, why wouldn't they be privy to each other's plans?

"You're very loud," says the boy, his eyes even wider than before.

"Uh." He frowns. No, he's pretty sure he was talking at an entirely normal volume. "Sorry?"

"In your head," says the boy, and he gets up, half-clambering over the sofa to come closer to Johnny. "It's full of noise. A bad song from a bad place. It hurt you. But he helps." He looks back at Gabe, then at Johnny. "He keeps you floating, flying just above all the dark and hurt. Oh, sorry. You want me to stop. Sorry." He dips his head back down, hiding his face under the hat. "I'm Cole."

Johnny maintains a dry stare at the kid for several moments before finally looking at Gabe. "Cool friend you got," he says.

"I like your rabbit," Cole offers.

"You wanna hold him?" Yarrow is generally pretty chill around new people, and Cole seems... harmless, in spite of that largely unwelcome dive he just took in Johnny's head. At least he had some nice things to say. Could have been worse.

"Yes," Cole says excitedly, and opens his hands to accept the little rabbit. Yarrow cuddles right up to him, and Cole holds him like he's a precious object. Okay, that's pretty cute. Johnny smirks and proceeds over to the couch. "I like your decorations," he says, dropping down next to Gabe and leaning over to give him a kiss.

The wall around Gabriel's mind drops the moment Johnny walks through the door.

As much as he wants to make Cole comfortable, he wants to feel Johnny's presence here more. It seems unfair to Gabriel that, of all the people in New York, the one he cares about the most is the one he can't find once he's out of sight. It's a comfort to be able to really sense his mind when he's here.

He turns in his seat to watch Cole clamber up to greet Johnny, and smiles a little to hear Cole's analysis of Johnny's mind. He knows first hand how frightening a place Johnny's mind can be. He still has lingering doubts sometimes about becoming such a major part of Johnny's life when he may never truly be able to relate to Johnny on a human level. It's moments like this that help to remind him that they are good for each other. It's nice to hear from another source that he's actually helping to improve Johnny's life in some way instead of exploiting it.

When Johnny sits down, Gabriel kisses him back, but the moment is soon interrupted by Scout climbing over Gabriel's lap to greet Johnny. He huffs out a laugh and runs his hand through Scout's fur. "You're going to have to help me trim the tree. And get the tree. And decide where to put it." He leans in and gives Johnny another quick kiss, then lets his eyes scan the room, thinking idly about where the best spot for the tree would be. Near the window would be traditional, but there's more space over near the bar.

His eyes pause briefly on the Kandinsky print that used to hide a banishing sigil and now hides the absence of the same. For a while he'd meant to tell Johnny about what happened with Lucifer, about why he invited him over at all and why he tried to banish himself along with his brother. He knew that it was suicidal then, but the longer he waits the more he can imagine how disappointed and upset Johnny would be to learn just how quickly he lost his grip.

He doesn't want to think anymore about that, so he looks over Johnny's shoulder to find Cole, and is pleased by the sight of him cuddling up to the rabbit. "That's Yarrow you've got there."

"And this is Johnny." He refocuses on Johnny with a smile and offers forward his mug of cocoa. "We were just having cocoa. Want some?"

Edited 2016-10-06 18:47 (UTC)

The walls are down again. Gabriel reaches out, not to Cole, but to Johnny, wanting to find, feel, enfold. Johnny has walls of his own; not just the ashy dark things grown up inside him but the carvings in his bones, Gabriel put them there to keep Gabriel out - why? So Gabriel can protect him, so Johnny can hide - why?

Cole doesn't understand.

"I'd love some," Johnny says to Gabriel, and smiles as he takes the mug. He likes to show Gabriel he's happy, so Gabriel will know how much he helps. Johnny remembers being awake and afraid, alone in the dark, monsters murmuring under madness, head held down in the blue house that was both real and not (like Cole, but not like Cole, he is not like that, he doesn't take and take and take. The house devoured; Cole only listens). Johnny remembers when no one cared about him, and now someone does care, someone so bright it aches. Johnny never wants to hurt again, and he never wants to make anyone hurt again, especially not Gabriel.

Johnny remembers what it felt like when Gabriel hurts, when he hurt so much he wanted to be dead, when he tried to be dead, when he came back all broken wings and battered bones. When Johnny left him alone; when Gabriel took a man's heart out of his chest; when the TARDIS was gone and he wouldn't let Johnny help.

Gabriel likes keeping Johnny close, close enough to see, touch, sense. He doesn't understand all the parts that make Johnny Johnny, and he worries it isn't enough; Johnny is so strange and different and has so much darkness in his head; Gabriel has lost so much, so many, again and again and again, and he knows he will lose Johnny too one day. He wants Johnny to feel safe, to stay.

Why did he make it so he can't feel Johnny when he goes away?

Why did he try to leave?

Cole follows Gabriel's eyes, thoughts, to the painting on the wall.

"He doesn't know," he says softly, barely aware of his own voice. There's too much to hear, too much to listen to; he can't keep track of it all, can't keep it all quiet. "You tried to leave. You brought-" He frowns slowly. "You brought him here, your brother. You tried to make him leave, and to - to go with-"

Cole doesn't like thinking about Gabriel's brother. It's hard to think about him, to listen for him. It's a bad sound. His mind drifts over it carefully.

"And you tried to leave."

"Uh." Johnny's looking at him, but Cole can't look away from the painting. "You okay, kid?"

"Why did you try to leave?" Cole turns, fixes his eyes on Gabriel. "I don't understand. You don't want him to hurt but it would have hurt him. You would have died. He doesn't want you to die."

"Gabe?" Johnny lets his gaze slide slowly from Cole to painting to Gabriel. His voice comes out a little strained. Cole has said too much. "What is he talking about?"

Cole takes a faltering step back, still clinging to the rabbit. "Oh," he whispers. "I'm sorry."

"Fuck." Gabriel's gaze drops away from Johnny and he rubs a hand over his face. This is not how he wanted to do this. Maybe it needs to be talked about, but that doesn't mean that he wants to be forced into it. "Just-" he nudges Scout out of the way and sets his hand on Johnny's knee to push himself up from the couch, offering that point of contact instead of looking Johnny in the eye again.

He focuses his attention on Cole for the moment, but his mind is running unchecked anyway.
He should have been stronger than Lucifer and the sigil on the wall and the clouded desperation that led him back to both of them. Johnny is going to be sad and disappointed in him, and Gabriel is dreading it.

"It's okay." He sighs and reaches out the stroke Yarrow's fur. "But you're probably not gonna want to stick around to paw through the whole can of worms. I can explain later, but Johnny needs to hear it first." He feels a little bad tossing Cole out, but this isn't going to be a pleasant situation for him. If his and Johnny's minds are bright and loud normally, something like this is probably doing the opposite of helping. He does hope that Cole comes back later, because he enjoys his company. Just...maybe not with Johnny present.

He takes Yarrow from Cole, then magically snags the remains of Cole's hot cocoa from the table and hands that to him instead. "Keep it. You didn't get to finish."

Cole nods, takes the mug, and is out the door quickly.

Once the door shuts, Gabriel comes back and gently sets Yarrow onto the couch before sitting back down beside Johnny. "Cole's a good kid. Not quite human. He doesn't really understand. But he's sure got style, right?" He's uncertain, his chest feels tight, and when he finally looks back at Johnny he smiles guardedly.

The smile doesn't last long. Scout rests his head back on Gabriel's leg and Gabriel settles a hand into the warm fur along the dog's back, then focuses his gaze there. "He was talking about the banishing sigil. I invited my brother here and tried to use it."

You would have died.

Johnny feels numb; physically numb. His fingertips are buzzing. He barely registers Gabriel hustling Cole out the door, bringing Yarrow over, talking.

He looks up slowly, gazing at him with wide eyes, a fatigued sort of wonder. Gabe's smile is careful and short-lived, then he's looking at Scout, saying words.

"You-" He swallows thickly. "You were trying to banish Lucifer. Right?" He wishes his heart would stop beating so fast. "Please tell me that's what you were doing."

He knows the answer already. He isn't angry. He hopes Gabe doesn't think he's angry. He can't stop thinking about the possibility of coming home one day to find Gabriel nowhere, gone, no explanation, nothing left. His breath hitches and he flicks his gaze away and hunches over, hands sliding into his hair. "You..." he says again before his voice gives out.

"Anything it would do to him it'd do to me too," he replies, his voice low and hesitant. The rift would kill them. He knows that if he ever pushes himself into the rift again, it won't just chew him up and throw him out again. It will crush him.

He can see that it's a blow for Johnny, that anything like this happened without him knowing, that Gabriel would even consider so risky a move while Johnny is here.

Even Gabriel doesn't really understand it beyond the pain he felt in that moment and the intense need to do something about it. Now, he realizes that bringing Lucifer along for the ride had been less about wanting angelic chatter in his mind again and more a way to make sure Johnny would be safe after he was gone.

"Johnny-" He doesn't know what to do with this reaction. Anger would have almost been easier. He reaches his hand out, pulls it back, and then tentatively settles it at Johnny's back.

He can feel his own heart beating faster. This is why he didn't bring this up before, because he's scared of this. He's hurt him, and any moment Johnny could decide that this is too much for him, that Gabriel is too much for him. "Say something."

Edited 2016-10-09 23:17 (UTC)

A little while ago Johnny might have flinched at the touch, might have pushed away, paced the room. Now there is only the slightest twitch before he settles into it. He lowers his hands back to his knees and stares at them for a moment, so small and useless.

"Why?" he whispers finally, and turns to look at Gabe, eyes dark and wet. He's not sure he's ready for that answer, if there is one. It's not even fair to ask. He knows firsthand how little sense there often is to these moments, and unless Lucifer forced Gabriel's hand somehow, he's not sure it's an issue he wants to force. "No, wait, when? When did this happen? Were you ever gonna tell me?"

He doesn't want to sound accusatory. Gabe looks nervous, and Johnny wants nothing but to grab onto him, reassure him. I'm not gonna leave you, not ever again. Thinking of it - he did that, he actually did that - makes his chest hurt.

He can't quite manage to say anything more, but he reaches out and touches Gabe's other hand, resting his own over it. Scout twists his head back and starts licking their fingers.

The why stops him dead for a moment, unable to move or think to answer or even breathe. He doesn't know if he can answer that question. And what if he can't? What will Johnny do when he can't give him a straight answer?

When Johnny changes the question he swallows and starts to breath again. "U-uh-" He takes an unsteady breath, and a moment to bring himself back to Earth. He needs a little bit of his usual mask back in place before he can continue. The hand on his helps, but he's still scared by this entire conversation. He takes another breath, and rubs his hand at Johnny's back before bringing it back to his own lap.

He ruffles his other hand onto Scout's fur, but afterwards he lifts his hand and threads his fingers with Johnny's instead of letting him pull his hand away.

"The night you went to go check on Steven." A week after the TARDIS disappeared, almost two weeks ago now. "I don't know." He's looking down at their hands instead of at Johnny's face. That's easier. "I don't know if I can explain it now. I might have tried then, but you came back hurt. And I wanted you to stay."

Edited 2016-10-10 04:24 (UTC)

Johnny softens by degrees. Gabe is frightened - the vividness of it catches Johnny off guard, and then it's pushed back down, held in by a flimsy cover, like a sheet thrown over a burning bush. It makes sense, of course, that this could come so close after heartbreak, and that night - Gabe had seemed off, but Johnny'd been so covered in bruises it hadn't mattered. He'd been off all week. Why should that have raised an alarm.

He should have noticed. He should have asked.

"Gabriel?" He sits a little closer, moves both has hands to Gabe's, enclosing it gently. He leans in, not trying too hard to catch Gabe's eyes, just waiting in case he looks up. "I'm not going anywhere."

He waits, wanting this to sink in. "I'm staying."

Gabriel lets out a breath slowly, then nods. He believes that Johnny is telling him the truth. A month or two ago he might not have meant it, but now Johnny's voice has conviction in it. He's staying and Gabriel can relax a little.

He huffs out a breath and leans forward enough to drop his head onto Johnny's shoulder. "Okay."

Scout takes this moment to stand up and lick Gabriel's face. He smiles and pulls back to pet Scout, putting his focus there for a moment. "Okay. time for you to go take a nap." He kisses the dog on the head and then sets him down onto the floor. Scout seems to consider the whole nap idea for a moment before heading towards the kitchen instead. Gabriel watches him for a moment before finally raising his gaze to look Johnny in the eye.

This is so hard to even think about, and he doesn't know where to go from here. It would be easier to step away from the conversation entirely, just hold Johnny for the rest of the night. Talk about anything else. He smiles and brushes a hand back into Johnny's hair. "Why don't we forget all this? I can make some more cocoa. Got a stack of Christmas movies ready to go."

Johnny tracks Gabe's movements in silence for a few moments, just watching him set Scout down and gaze after the dog before finally he makes eye contact.

When he follows up with his escape plan Johnny isn't even surprised. He dips his head down and chuckles softly before his hands drift up to rest gently on either side of Gabe's head, stroking the hair around his ears. "Nice try," he says dryly. "Look, Gabe, you know I'm not gonna just forget about this. We don't have to like... pull the whole thing apart. I don't need to know the details. But I'm not gonna pretend it's all fine."

He drops his hands down to rest on Gabe's shoulders, wanting to pull him forward and just hold onto him, but he needs eye contact for now. "I just... I don't ever want to lose you. I know I'm not - I can't be what she was to you, but... I love you, and I don't want anything to happen to you. I want you to stay just as much as you want me to stay. I know you're not goin anywhere now, but... I only just learned I almost lost you again. You gotta give me a minute."

"Look at you. You're getting better at this than me." He smiles softly, leaning into Johnny's hands a little bit. He's not pushing forward or pressing for any more closeness yet, but it's hard not to want Johnny closer right now.

He raises a hand and covers one of Johnny's hands with his own, then brings it down to hold between both of his, mimicking Johnny's pose from before Scout interrupted them. He looks down at the hand held between his, and takes a moment to trace Johnny's fingers with his.

"I miss her. All the time. But I don't need you to be like her." He looks up and meets Johnny's eyes again. "I need you to be you." Gabriel leans forward and presses a kiss to the corner of Johnny's mouth. He rests his head there a moment, his forehead against Johnny's, then sighs and pulls back. This whole thing is emotionally taxing, and he feels like he's been blindsided by it.

"Can we continue this conversation horizontally?" He smirks a little bit, realizing the implications of the request, but using sex to avoid the subject isn't what he's going for. He wants Johnny close, and having him rest his head on his chest will be easier than looking him in the eye while he tries to explain. "I promise I won't try anything until you're satisfied."

"Come on." He leans back, situates a couch pillow under his head, then insinuates a sock-covered foot behind Johnny's back. He pats his chest hopefully. "Watch out for Yarrow."

Johnny laughs faintly at the suggestion he's getting better at this. That seems weird, or like it can't possibly be true, and yet here he is, handling this veritable bombshell like a goddamn champ. He hesitates for only a moment when Gabe pulls back before he smiles and says, "You got it."

He lifts Yarrow up gently and sets him down on the floor; the rabbit is quite content to wander off for interesting things to sniff. Johnny reflects briefly that he would not be a very good rabbit owner if Daine hadn't been there to tell him not to chew cords.

He crawls over until he's more or less on top of Gabriel, sprawling out with his head resting on his chest, as directed. This is nice. Gabe is cozy, and it's incredibly comforting to just be a weight on him, taking in his warmth, keeping him in place, safe and tucked in.

"You're not goin anywhere," he says, half-joking, as he puts his arms around him.

Once Johnny has settled in, Gabriel wraps his arms around him. He feels calmer like this, with Johnny close and comfortable and safe. The explanation Johnny wants is still daunting, but it will be a little easier now.

"You've got me," he says, and strokes at Johnny's back while he wonders how to explain.

It takes him a few moments before he speaks again. "I kept thinking about the sigil. There was this thought in the back of my mind all the time after she was taken away-" He cuts off and sighs out a breath, not sure how to explain how he felt. This is difficult, and just thinking about walking into that empty clearing where she used to be makes him sad and uneasy. "We always talked about going home. She offered once... to bring me to her universe, to show me all the different planets, all the life there." He smiles a little, but it's a sad smile. He's glad that Johnny can't see his face right now. "I think she regretted that offer later."

"Johnny...she was home to me. In more than a literal- I don't know if I can explain. We were going home." His voice is shaky as he continues. "It didn't matter which one, as long as it was both of us. So when the rift took her it was like...losing my chance at that home, too."

His arms tighten around Johnny and he takes a deep breath, then lets it out in a quick huff. He doesn't even know if he's making sense, and it's still incredibly painful to talk about the TARDIS like this. "And then I kept thinking about the damn sigil. Like I owed it to her to try to go home before I could let myself be happy with what I have here. That she wouldn't want me to give up." He takes a breath and lifts a hand to wipe a few stray tears from his eyes. "It was stupid and suicidal and I should have told you."

Johnny lies there quietly as Gabe tries to explain. If he's being honest with himself the lack of eye contact is just as much a relief to him as it is Gabe. This is hard for Gabe to talk about and hard for him to hear - not just, not even principally because it showcases how small he is and always was next to what the TARDIS could offer, but because it brings further to light how awful this is for Gabe, what a tremendous loss it was. Johnny will probably never fully understand it.

He's quiet for a few moments more after Gabe finishes talking, holding a little tighter onto him. "I understand," he says finally. "I mean, not... I don't think I can understand what you guys had, really, I barely even understood what she was, but... I understand why you - and why you didn't tell me."

He tilts his head up, not quite meeting Gabe's eyes, but looking toward him, focusing idly on his mouth. "I was fucked up for so long, I mean I still am, and... I guess I think I know what you mean, about... losing someone who's your home, I mean, when they took my mom away it was like..." He feels stupid for trying to draw a comparison, embarrassed for bringing it up; his stomach twists and he looks away, settling his head back down on Gabe's chest. "I dunno. I just knew I was never gonna be normal again. I mean she took that away from me before I was old enough to really - and when she was gone so was everything I ever... and yeah, I've been down this road, where you lose everything and it kinda just makes sense to go with it."

He feels uneasy saying all this. Wants to brush it aside. "But I have you now, and you're more like home than anyone's ever been, and... I just wish I could be more, or... I don't know what I'm saying anymore."

That's not really true, he knows exactly what he's saying, he's just run out of the will to say it. This is making his skin crawl, like when he had to get used to being in love with Gabriel, saying it aloud, hearing it echoed back to him. It's still so hard to accept that any of this is real, and he has no idea how much going through his bullshit is even helpful here.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles. "I don't know what else to say."

"It's okay, you don't have to say anything," he reassures Johnny, when he finally trails off.

Johnny doesn't talk about his family often, but every time he does Gabriel's heart aches for him. The only explanation he'd gotten about his mother before this was an explanation for the scars around his neck. This confirms what he'd assumed about what happened to her later on, but it's no less distressing for being expected. It's scary to him that with a few minor changes in Johnny's life, he might have been dead before he even had a chance to fall through the rift.

For a moment he just lies there being comforted by the weight of Johnny's body on his, and his hand drifts up and down Johnny's back a few times before he speaks again. He doesn't like Johnny wishing that he could be more like the TARDIS or more of whatever it is that he thinks Gabriel needs. Not when he's already more than enough. Despite his troubles, Johnny keeps him feeling grounded and safe and loved, and that's what he needs him to know now.

"You should know...you're my home too. Everyday I reach out and feel you here it's...a comfort. If this house was empty, or if it was anyone else- I'd feel lost." He did feel lost for a while there, when Johnny left and he wasn't sure that he'd ever come back. It's not easy to forget how quickly he felt unmoored without Johnny around. "The TARDIS...she kept me connected to the things I've lost. You're what makes me feel at home here."

He huffs out a breath. It's important to him to lay out how he feels about Johnny, but that doesn't make it any less difficult for him. "I don't think I ever had a firm grasp on any kind of normal. But I like what we have here." he smiles and raises a hand to brush through Johnny's hair and then back down his back. "I love it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the sigil. You might have talked me out of it and spared us both the grief."

"It's okay," Johnny says quickly, relieved to have that well-worn conversational path come up after so much weighty confession. Reassurance is an easy thing to jump to. He has no idea how to respond to any of the rest of it - being a kind of home for Gabe, for anyone, is not something he could possibly have predicted for himself, it's a future he didn't think he had. It makes him happy, which is a weird feeling, and he has no idea how to express it other than to hold on a little tighter, to smile quietly to himself, to tell him it's okay. "It's okay," he says again, for good measure, stroking his hand along Gabe's arm. He lies there for a long moment, letting their breathing synchronize, trying to get used to feeling this good.

"Now I really don't know what to say," he admits on a nervous giggle. "Being that for somebody... like... being 'home', it's kind of, uh, antithetical to me as a concept. But I'm... I'm glad that I can be that. Cause I like having you around."

He pushes himself up on his elbows, folding his arms across Gabe's chest and smiling at him. "I'm sorry about the mess."

Gabriel shifts up a little bit and smiles softly, grateful that Johnny is here and making an effort to understand him. He likes being here to see Johnny slowly discover just how much love he deserves. It's a slow process, but one Gabriel is determined to continue for as long as possible. Every moment like this one is a reason for Gabriel to hold tighter to this place and this life.

After a moment, he lifts a hand to trace a loose cross on Johnny's forehead.

"Bless this mess." He giggles, and his smile shifts wider.

Johnny lets his eyes fall shut when Gabriel touches him, feeling unusually serene even as the corners of his mouth tic up at the little joke. When his eyes open again they fall upon Gabe and he has the odd and briefly dizzying sensation of seeing him for the first time. Gabriel, Archangel of the Lord, the third who is set over all the powers, patron of messengers, clerics, stamp collections - this goofy fucking nerd smiling up at him, this overwhelming divine being finding solace in him, Johnny of the fake last name - what would his mother say? Would Pelafina be proud to know he's dating a real honest-to-God angel?

Why should he care what she thinks? Why is he even thinking about her?

He blinks, refocuses - he figures his mind has only wandered for a moment but he still feels like he's waking up and it's obvious he's been somewhere else. He smiles, sort of embarrassed at himself, then he leans in toward Gabe and kisses him. This is it, this is the whole point: that old world isn't home anymore, can't shackle him anymore, and yes Gabe is overwhelmingly complex but he's also beautifully simple, just this guy who loves Johnny more than Johnny ever thought anyone would, could. Gabe is home.

He shifts up slightly, letting his hands come to rest on either side of Gabe's head, thumbs brushing the soft edges of his ears, fingers sliding into his hair. He pulls back and regards Gabe with a smile that's both playful and amazed.

"Uhh," he says, a little breathless. "Hi."

Gabriel sees Johnny drift off and then refocus, but Johnny's smile is enough to convince him that it's nothing to worry about at the moment. Instead, he smiles against Johnny's kiss. He returns the kiss gently, then pulls back with a pleased sigh when Johnny shifts away. The hands in his hair are a welcome addition. Johnny looks happy right now, and that's the best possible thing that could have come out of this conversation.

Gabriel pushes one hand under the hem of Johnny's shirt and idly brushes along the small of his back as he looks back up at him.

"Hey, handsome," he replies, smirking as he lifts his other hand to brush back through Johnny's hair and bring him back down for another kiss. This really is the best possible place for him and he can let himself be happy here, at least while Johnny is around for moments like this one. There will always be things he's going to worry about, but right now Johnny is safe and happy and Gabriel feels amazed that they've both come so far.

He's considering whether he wants to suggest more cocoa and cuddles or a move to the bedroom when his phone dings out a text tone. Gabriel huffs out a breath and lifts his head to kiss the corner of Johnny's mouth, then reaches out to grab his phone off of the coffee table.

"Just lemme make sure no ones been turned into a duck." Or any number of other horrible options, but he'd rather not darken the mood. He smiles when he sees that it's a text from Cole. He reads it, then turns his phone around for Johnny to read. "He's so sweet. I should let him know we ended up gazing into each other's eyes instead of fighting."

Edited 2016-10-20 06:24 (UTC)

Johnny snorts out a laugh at that - being turned into a duck will never not be a ridiculous possibility, regardless of how often that kind of thing seems to happen around here - and then softens again into a smile when he sees the avalanche of words from the kid who started all this. He takes the phone to skim through it a few times. It's a little embarrassing, seeing their feelings laid out like that, like Cole can just see into their hearts even better than they can.

"Man, what's his deal?" he asks, handing the phone back. "Is he like... psychic?"

Ordinarily that would scare him, but he can't find it in himself to harbor any resentment toward Cole, since without him he doesn't know when he'd have found out about what Gabe tried to do. That doesn't need to be mentioned. Johnny shifts back off Gabe to allow him to sit up, but keeps his hands close, on his shoulder, on his thigh, the back of his neck, wherever it feels natural to drift. He wants to stay close, in contact.

"Mn." Gabriel nods, and takes the phone back to text to Cole that he didn't mess anything up for him and Johnny. "Something like that. I don't really understand what he is yet. I think it has a lot to do with empathy."

He looks down at his phone and laughs when a new message comes through. "Definitely new to humanity. He doesn't know emojis." He tips the phone so that Johnny can see the small conversation. He tips it back, and a couple minutes later he sets the phone back on the coffee table and leans into Johnny, his forehead rests against Johnny's temple. He nuzzles there, smelling Johnny's skin and his hair and memorizing the feeling of comfort that this moment gives him.

"He was the first one there. In the clearing, after the TARDIS." He pulls away a little and threads his fingers up through Johnny's hair. This probably isn't a good topic to bring up, but it does explain neatly what Cole is to him. He huffs out a laugh that isn't particularly mirthful, but not lacking amusement entirely either. It's strange to him that such intense pain would bring someone like Cole into his life. It's an odd consolation, but not an unwelcome one. "He felt how I was feeling and came to see what was wrong."

Well, Cole isn't the only one who has reserves about the so-called 'emojis'. Johnny smirks at the line full of cartoon faces and is about to say something to that effect when Gabe's weight is eased back against him, and all that becomes suddenly very unimportant. Johnny closes his eyes and smiles, just enjoying the moment for what it is, or trying to, trying to accept it with an open hand and not cling so tightly as to break it. It's nice. It's his. He lets his fingers curl and uncurl gently around Gabe's arm, not gripping, just a light, easy touch.

When Gabe pulls back and speaks again it's a little jarring, not just the loss of contact but what he's saying.

"Oh," says Johnny softly, and he can't keep his expression from slipping into something sad, or maybe uneasy. He's not sure what to say. He reaches up and takes Gabe's hand, pulling it gently from his hair and down to his mouth, kissing his knuckles. Stupidly romantic. Just feels like the thing to do.

"That must have been..." He's not sure what. Feels like a sentence he shouldn't even have started. His eyes dart down; he keeps a grip on Gabe's hand, waiting for him to fill in the blanks.

Daine's noticed some holiday decorating while making her rounds. It's fair pretty, but also bittersweet - a not entirely welcome reminder that she's almost been here a year. She didn't pay much attention to the holiday the last time around, and she's not entirely sure what it's about. It seems to fall around Midwinter, but they never did so much build-up to it back home.

They also didn't light up entire fronts of buildings. She eyes Gabriel's handiwork as she returns from a walk with the dogs. Well, she doesn't know it's Gabriel, but it doesn't seem like the sort of thing Aziraphale would do, and the list of other Rifties who could manage such a thing isn't that long.

After getting the dogs settled back in her apartment, Daine slips out the window in crow shape and wings her way over to Gabriel's building to see if it's lit up like the others. It isn't, quite, but Gabriel's out on a ladder and hanging up lights. Daine perches on a nearby windowsill and eyes his handiwork, impressed and a little bewildered.

"Wat's dis?" she asks in her crow voice.

Gabriel recognizes the crow as Daine when she settles onto the windowsill, but he's a little surprised that she's shown up at all. When she's found him broken and grieving in the park she's offered to let Scout play with Sarge and Molly again, but he hadn't thought that that offer would actually extend to him.

The voice coming out of the crow makes him smile. "Christmas lights! Do ya like 'em? Some people do a couple strands of white ones, but what fun is that?"

One of the perks of being in crow shape is that her face doesn't betray any awkwardness Daine might feel. She hasn't really seen Gabriel since she found him in the Ramble. It's good to see him looking happy, though. And while the lights are a bit dramatic, it's not as if he's causing any harm.

She tips her head to examine the string of tiny, colored bulbs a bit more closely. "Pretty," she pronounces them, giving one of the lights a gentle tap with her beak. "Wat's kriss-mas?" She's seen the word before, and gathered it's the name of the holiday, but it doesn't mean anything to her. "Izzit like Midwinterr?"

Gabriel nods. "It's a midwinter festival. Ages ago pagan celebrations got hijacked by Christians who wanted to attach my little bro's birth to something people were already celebrating." He smiles and reaches a little further to string the lights onto the next hook. It's a bit funny to be putting up lights and explaining Christmas to a crow. He feels like he's in the middle of a very odd children's book.

"So you got a decorated evergreen inside, but topped with a star or an angel, Christmas carols at outdoor celebrations, a Yule Log in the fireplace...mulled wine and eggnog, gift giving- that's the fun part." He chuckles and turns back to look at Daine. "It's all a big jumble. The business with the big guy in the suit is even more complicated...it involves a Saint and capitalism and all sorts of other things. I love it."

Edited 2016-07-06 19:04 (UTC)

Daine blinks, slightly taken aback by this news. It's hard to imagine anyone hijacking any of the gods' festivals back home. Of course, the fact that the gods could make their displeasure known would put a damper on any of that nonsense. Near as she can tell, the gods in this universe may as well not exist, and Gabriel's story just seems to prove it.

The bit that really gives her pause, though, is gift-giving. Maybe she shouldn't be surprised - it was part of Midwinter, and it seems some of those traditions have survived - but she missed Christmas last year, and assumed no one here would celebrate Midwinter like they all did in Tortall. It had seemed unfair (and potentially embarrassing) to try and keep her realm's more public traditions alive with folk who don't know about any of them. What would the point have been, aside from making her homesick?

But if folk still do some of these things, it wouldn't be so out of place if she did, too.

"We did giff-tzz," she muses, now considering what to get all of her friends here. Goddess, she might have started sooner if she'd known... but there's still plenty of time.

For the moment, she eyes Gabriel's somewhat precarious set-up, then the string of lights. "Can I help?" she asks. If nothing else, she might be able to carry that string of lights along, and there's only so far Gabriel can reach before he'd have to move the ladder (which he could doubtless do as easy as blinking, but still).

"Oh, please do." He hands the end of the strand forward towards Daine. "You'll make be feel like a Disney princess." He smiles, then realizes belatedly that she probably doesn''t grasp the reference. "Cartoons. Most of them had animal friends that would help them clean or sew, stuff like that. It was cute."

"If you want after you can come upstairs and see Scout." It's a tentative addition, but he knows that Scout would be excited to see her.

Deck the Halls [open to multiple]

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cw: mentions of suicide ideation

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