bigapplesauce | now it looks as though they're here to stay [closed]

Current Location: Gabriel's building (Hell's Kitchen)
Current Music: July 5th (morning) (backdated)

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now it looks as though they're here to stay [closed]

Johnny wakes with a start and immediately touches his face. Skin. Hair. Flesh. Human head. No longer a cowskull. Thank fuck.

He sits up and braces against the wall, staring at his room. Yesterday comes back in bittersweet pieces. Being in the TARDIS, seeing Gabe... everything that happened with Seth. He remembers being with Eliot in the dream. That had been nice. He should find Eliot again.

First thing's first, though. He has to check on Seth. He stretches and yawns and rubs at his face for a while, steps out of bed and pads to the kitchen. He didn't even change out of his clothes last night. His face feels dry and crusty from crying. His hands hurt. Muscles sore from the effort of fixing Seth's mess, which was really his mess.

He can't even think about it right now, or feel anything. He stares numbly at the kettle as the water heats, then makes himself some instant coffee and drinks it down as he wanders about the apartment. He changes clothes, cracks a few joints, and picks up the spare key Seth gave him.

He crosses the hall, which is dark and empty and strangely cold. He tries not to focus too closely on the architecture or his surroundings. All of it feels dangerous right now, and he forcibly shuts it all out. He reaches the door, unlocks it, and knocks lightly before letting himself in.

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Seth wakes up feeling like he's barely had any sleep at all, but that's probably less to do with the quality of the sleep, and more to do with just how wiped out he was yesterday. Most of his dreams was just him being weirdly plant-like, but there had been enough time for a few claustrophobic, paranoid nightmares just before waking.

His mind replays the events of last night, or at least what he can remember of them. Except that when Johnny reaches him, the dream seems to veer off from what happened, as Johnny leans over and starts licking Seth's face. A few moments later, as the dream fades, he realises it's Scout who's doing licking. Seth must've been sleeping restlessly.

He groans as he pushes himself up a little bit, making a face against the dog tongue, before wrapping his arms around the little guy and burying his face a little in his fur. He's partly hugging him to calm Scout down, but mostly to comfort himself a little. "Thanks, buddy," he murmurs into the fur, very glad Johnny left him here last night.

It's only a few minutes later, when Seth's almost drifting off again (he really is exhausted still), that there's the sound of a key in the lock, and both Seth and Scout look up. His gut twists in paranoia just for a moment, stopping him from answering, but then it's just Johnny, and he relaxes again. Scout wags his tail and looks questioningly up at Seth, who lets go of him, and Scout eagerly trots over to greet Johnny.

"Morning," says Johnny to both of them, bending down to greet Scout. He can't quite look at Seth yet, a little nervous, wondering if Seth will hold any of it against him, and afraid to see his own hollow misery reflected back at him from Seth's eyes. Finally, when he does look up, he's not sure he sees it. Sure, Seth looks tired and like he's been through hell, but there's nothing Johnny can sense. He supposes he made all that up, anyway - the externalization of his nightmares and hallucinations, visible in his eyes... it was probably all in his head. So much of it was in his head.

"Sleep okay?" he asks.

Seth gives a shrug, and then makes a face at the twinge in his back. He feels stiff and achy from being so tense for so long yesterday, and it's probably gonna take a few more nights for fade. He looks down at his arms, and realises with surprise that there's several bruises there. He's not entirely sure how he got them. Perhaps when he was being pressed together by the walls near the end? He must've bumped against more than a few things - who knows what he was doing when he was really properly gone. He certainly can't remember. Although the fact he kind of looks like he's fallen down the stairs kind of tells a story.

"You alright?" he asks, then clears his throat. He sounds terrible, too, all hoarse. God. He needs coffee. And soon some more morphine, and then a long bath. But even with all this, it's actually a relief to wake up and not feel like he's got something crawling through his brain and breathing down his neck. At least not right now.

"Sure, I guess," says Johnny with a shrug. He hesitates awkwardly, then walks to the kitchen. "Let me make you some coffee."

He still feels shitty - both for what he inadvertantly did to Seth and because of the emotional and physical toll it took on him. He doesn't know how to even begin talking about it, so he throws all his energy into spooning instant grounds into mugs and then staring at the kettle while it boils. Scout trails after him, clearly hungry. Johnny'll take him back soon. He has to figure out what the hell to say to Seth first.

"I..." He's still staring at the stupid kettle. "I know I already said, but. I'm sorry."

Seth is definitely not going to say no to coffee. He carefully stretches and makes his way out of bed, slowly while he's still assessing just how tired his body is. He seems to have several bruises on his legs too. Whatever. As long as he doesn't have internal bleeding, he'll be fine. And even that would probably be taken care of by his rapid healing. These bruises will probably all be gone by tomorrow, or at least nearly.

He doesn't bother with putting on some actual clothes, t-shirt and boxers is decent enough, and he'd rather not move more than he needs to. He shakes his head a little when Johnny apologises, even if he can't see it.

"It's not your fault, Johnny," he answers, and means it. He sighs and takes a seat at the kitchen table. "Look, I know you wouldn't have given me the power if you had any idea what would happen. And then you nearly got yourself killed trying to get me out, so. You've got nothing to apologise for, I promise."

Seth is all too familiar with what it's like to blame yourself for someone's death, and even if this didn't end as horribly, he still doesn't want Johnny to carry it.

Johnny appreciates the reassurance, though he continues to face the stove until the kettle is whistling. He pours the water into the cups and hands one off to Seth, taking one for himself and sitting down opposite him.

"Okay," he says softly, and looks up. "I'm just... glad you're all right."

He says nothing for a moment, blows gently on his coffee and takes a cautious sip.

"Just... let me know if... I don't know." He shrugs. "Anything happens. Dreams get too weird, or become hallucinations, or... anything like that."

Right, so he can completely fail to do anything about it. At least Gabriel will be coming back soon enough, maybe he could help.

Anyway, there's a topic. "Have you had a chance to talk to Gabe since he came back?" he asks, trying to sound casual even with so abrupt a subject shift.

Seth smiles as Johnny expresses his relief at Seth's well-being. It's a little touching, actually. Seth has a tendency to assume people don't really care, and, well, they've only known each other a week. A kind of intense week, but nonetheless. He's known Gabe almost a quarter of a year, and he's still not sure how close they are.

"Okay," he answers with a nod, wrapping his hands around the mug. He's not sure what Johnny could do if anything happened, but at least he could maybe offer some insight, or coping methods, or something. Hopefully it won't come to that.

He shakes his head at the question. "Just texted a bit. I dunno, I haven't wanted to impose..." he answers, looking down into the coffee. Again, he's not sure it's really his place, and he hasn't been invited. As much as he wants to see Gabe again, he figured he has enough to deal with.

Then there's the fact that he doesn't know the TARDIS, and she happens to be right near Bethesda. It would take a lot for Seth to go there, without being teleported directly into the forest, or at least wear a glamour. There may be a sort of ceasefire in place in the area, but it doesn't feel as protected as Wilmot, and with an awful lot of rebels around.

Johnny nods in understanding. He hadn't really wanted to impose either, but he figured the novelty of his showing up at the TARDIS at all had been justification enough. He sighs heavily and looks off toward the window.

"He's... not doing too well," he says. "To be honest."

Seth looks up with a concerned frown. "How do you mean?" From what he knows, Gabe's been staying with the TARDIS to heal up, and then he'd be back. Does this mean he's not improving as hoped? Worry spreads in Seth pretty instantly at this news, and the manner Johnny's delivering it.

"I mean he's fine," Johnny says quickly, mentally kicking himself for making it sound so dire. "He's getting better. Physically. The rift really tore him up, but he's healing."

He looks down at his coffee for a moment. He's not sure how much of this he should share, but if he doesn't tell Seth, who will? He doubts Gabriel will rush to say anything. He doesn't even know if Gabriel realizes how much Seth cares about him.

"The thing is," he says carefully, "he wasn't trying to escape or anything." He swallows, hard, his throat suddenly thick. No no no. Not going to let this hit, not in front of Seth. He draws a breath and releases it slowly, calming back down.

"He wanted the rift to destroy him," he says. "He was trying to kill himself."

Seth gets to relax for only about a moment, but already at the 'physically', Seth has strong misgivings, and they just get worse from there.

When Johnny drops the bombshell, all Seth can do is stare. For him, the news seem to come out of nowhere, and he's completely floored by it.

He swallows and looks down at his coffee again, trying to absorb this. He didn't even really know what had happened until now - his manner of return had definitely implied Rift, and they'd figured he left intentionally. Until now, he hadn't thought much about what Gabriel had left to do, or whether messing with the Rift was even part of his plan, or just something that happened. The idea that he'd been trying to go home had crossed Seth's mind. The idea that he was trying to end his life had not.

It's hard to reconcile this with his experience with Gabe. Seth is not unfamiliar with being suicidal, not at all, and you'd think having been there himself, he'd be able to recognise it in a friend, but apparently not. That idea that he had so completely missed this fills him with guilt. And the thought that Gabe hadn't come to him for help kind of hurts, though he'd never admit it, and it actually takes him a little by surprise that he should feel that way.

Part of him knows there's no use thinking like this, but it's difficult to stop himself. He forgets to even answer Johnny, though his demeanor probably speaks for itself.

"I'm sorry," says Johnny quietly. "That you had to... you know. Hear about it like this."

Seth hasn't said a word, but Johnny feels like he can understand exactly what's going on. It was completely shattering for him, to know that Gabriel was even vulnerable to that level of hopelessness. He's angry at himself for not seeing it, having been down that road so many times. He's hurt that Gabe didn't stick around and try to talk to him, or anyone, instead of making so concerted an effort to just be gone, with no last word. The last time they'd spoken it had been bitter. Johnny's horrified to think it was almost the very last time.

"I haven't really had a chance to... you know, talk to him about it," he says awkwardly. "We kind of tried not to focus on it yesterday. But I felt like you should know."

Seth swallows thickly and nods. "Yeah. Thanks..." he answers, and wow, this did not do wonders for his already hoarse voice. He's not crying, but he sounds like he should be. He clears his throat again, and then, just to do something, he takes a big gulp of coffee, ignoring the fact it's still a bit too hot.

He wonders if Gabe would even tell him himself. Probably not. Maybe if Seth had tried to dig a little, find out what happened. But Seth doesn't usually push too hard when it comes to what feels like prying. Hell, even being told this by Johnny feels a little like pushing his nose in where it doesn't belong.

They've both completely forgotten about Scout in all of this, who's been waiting surprisingly patiently, perhaps aware something serious is being discussed. Now he whines, though, the tension in the air probably getting too much. Seth leans down to pick him up, holding him gently in his lap and petting him, which seems to calm him for the moment.

The last part of what Johnny said also reminds Seth to consider how Johnny must be feeling about all this. Pretty shitty, probably. They're pretty close, from what he can tell. And Johnny doesn't need to be blaming himself for the almost-deaths of two of his friends.

"How are you dealing with it?" he asks, unsure what else to even say, how to comfort. He wants to ask more into what happened, what they talked about, when he's coming home. He also want to know how the hell he should approach this with Gabe, but he doubts Johnny has any answers for that.

Edited 2014-09-08 03:41 (UTC)

Johnny smiles faintly, watching Seth comfort Scout, but then the question hits him right in the chest. He did not expect it, for whatever reason - maybe because this isn't about him, or that's how he's choosing to look at it.

"I, uh." He shifts in his seat, his hands settling limply on the table. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Don't cry, you asshole. Don't make Seth deal with your shit, not right now.

"I don't know," he admits, and his stupid breath hitches, he covers it with an inhale that feels like a little more air than he needs, and looks determinedly at the floor. "To be honest I... don't really know if I'd survive here without him. Not because of like, him protecting us. Just..."

God. He can't stop it. He pushes his hand over his mouth and across his eyes, looking anywhere but Seth, frustrated by his inability to contain this. "This is so fucking... I don't even know," he mutters. "I'm not like... I never even thought about guys, you know? Before I came here. He hit on me when we first met, like he does with everyone, like it didn't even have anything to do with me at first. And I just... suddenly I realized I..."

This is not what he meant to be talking about. He sighs heavily and rests his elbows on the table, dropping his head into his hands.

"It's not even that," he says, fully aware that Seth may not be able to follow his largely internalized line of thought here. "I had sex, lots of sex, all the time, but I was never with anyone, I never dated anyone. I didn't think that was for me. I've never felt like this about anyone, and... I mean, this would hurt no matter what, you know? But I had no fucking idea it would hurt this much."

He feels embarrassed, rambling like this. He stares at the table, and takes an awkward sip of coffee without lifting his head.

"I'm in love with him," he blurts finally, feeling his face heat up. "I told him yesterday. And I don't know what I'd fucking do without him, and this is terrifying."

He falls silent for several moments, then sits back slowly, and finally faces Seth again. "So, not too fuckin great, I guess."

Seth doesn't expect the question to hit so close to home, or for Johnny to answer in such detail.

It does give him a good insight into what Johnny's struggling with - insight he doesn't feel like he has the right to have, but here's Johnny sharing freely. And some of the stuff about thinking about guys hits him close to home, but he immediately pushes that far from his mind.

He has no idea how to respond, how to react, so he just listens quietly. There's just nothing to say to that. At least nothing he can think of. He's frustrated by his own inability to deal with this sort of crap, his own awkwardness. Here's a friend baring his heart, and Seth can't even... Goddamnit.

When Johnny finally looks up, Seth's all tense with frustration and sympathy - he might even look angry. And he is. At the world, at the rift, for putting them all through this, for making Gabe do something so stupid, for messing up the good stuff they have.

He stands up suddenly, against the protests of his body, letting Scout back down on the floor. Then he steps around the table, grabs Johnny, and pulls him up into a tight hug. Because he doesn't know what else to fucking do.

Johnny is afraid, for a moment, that he's said way too much - well, he has said way too much, he's inwardly panicking a little at having made himself so vulnerable - but for a moment it really seems like Seth is pissed off. Too much information, maybe, or... well, nothing really makes sense, Johnny's always known Seth to be chill about this kind of shit. He's left floundering, trying to think of something else to say, stammering a bit when Seth gets up and comes over to him.

He definitely does not expect to be hugged. He's so bewildered that he just stands there limply, trapped in Seth's arms, not sure what is even happening. He doesn't hug people too terribly often, but this is definitely the angriest hug he's ever been a part of.

"Uh," he says after a long beat, and, hesitantly accepting the gesture, lets his hands drift up to rest awkwardly on Seth's back. It's kind of nice, once he's used to it. He lets himself relax. "Thanks, man."

As always, Scout is excited by the sudden aggressive expression of affection, and he yips once and circles around them, tail wagging.

Johnny pulls back after a moment, stuffing his hands into his pockets and looking down at the dog. "I gotta feed him," he says, not knowing what to say or do, or where to look.

Seth probably would've had a much more chill reaction to Johnny's sharing, if he hadn't just been told one of his closest friends just tried to off himself, and if it didn't come while he was still trying to process what even happened last night -- actually that's been put completely on hold right now, but it's certainly contributed to how tightly wound he is.

Perhaps in other circumstances, he'd've calmly sympathised, shared some of his own experiences with in love, and how hurtful it can be. Especially when that person up and dies. Or try loving a zombie, while at the same time you also love the girl your zombie girlfriend is trying to murder. Shit's not easy even without all the fucked up supernatural crap that happens. And in the face of stuff like this, inactivity and being chill feels entirely inadequate and inappropriate - then again, nothing feels adequate.

By the time Johnny gets used to it, Seth is already feeling supremely awkward about it. But he's not about to pull away until Johnny does. When he does, Seth doesn't meet his gaze either. At least they have excuses and things to do to not have to dwell on how awkward and fucked up they both are, and hopefully at least the sentiment behind the hug helped.

"Yeah," he agrees. "I'm gonna take a long fucking bath," he then decides. Just. Try to let this shit settle, to absorb it properly.

"Sounds like a good fucking plan," says Johnny. He glances up and gives Seth an incredibly awkward pat on the shoulder. "I'll, um. See you later, okay?"

He steps back, patting his thigh to summon Scout, who trails after him excitedly. Johnny smiles at the dog, then casts a final nod at Seth before stepping back out.

Seth nods, giving a weak smile in return for the awkward pat. He wants to say something reassuring, about how they'll take care of Gabe, and make sure he heals, and deal with the stuff that made him despair in the first place, and Seth will recover from the power, and everything will be fine.

"See you later," he echoes, following them to the door and giving a stupid little wave at Scout, then locking the door behind him.

Okay. First he's gonna finish that coffee. Then he's going to peel out of these clothes that got all sweat-ed up yesterday, and he's going to take a bath and wash off everything, and he's going to collect himself, and he's going to prepare for being a good friend to Gabriel.

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now it looks as though they're here to stay [closed]

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there is not enough awkward icons in the world for this thread

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